What if…The Royal Wedding Was Interesting?

This morning, at what Google informs me to be 11 o’clock United Kingdom time, Prince William and Catherine Middleton will tie their proverbial knot at Westmister Abbey. Did you forget to care? Because I almost certainly did not forget to care.

While this occasion might be enough to earn a cover-shoot for OK magazine, an industry in Taiwanese merchandise and its own YouTube channel, it doesn’t seem to necessitate a decent feature film, as last weekend’s Will and Kate: The Movie served solely to demonstrate.

Sickeningly sweet, utterly idiotic and without a passing resemblance to reality (St. Andrews is not a small, idyllic avenue flanked by red bricked houses), the film has been dubbed by some to be the worst ever made. With the small exception of their 2007 break up, this royal romance has been somewhat lacking in satisfying drama. With a cinematic backlog of something blues, we consider the royal wedding that could have been…

The Parent Trap (1998)

What if…Will and Kate had already had children together – identical twin girls to be exact? Falling out of love and deciding to separate, they each take a twin and jet off to different parts of the world (well, Buckingham Palace and Berkshire). United at summer camp, the their girls decide to pull a switcheroo and do everything in their Lindsey Lohan power to make their parents fall in love again. Meeting in order to “switch back”, Will and Kate put their differences aside, destroy a potential step-mother on a family camping trip and remarry aboard the QE2.

My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)

What if…Kate Middleton was actually Julia Roberts, a rom com affictionado who finds herself invited to the wedding of college sweetheart, Prince William? Deciding that Cameron Diaz is the wrong woman for him, Kate exploits Diaz’s poor singing voice at karaoke and endeavours to make Will jealous by pretending to be involved with her gay friend, George. Prince William goes ahead with the marrage anyway, and the U.K. gains Cameron Diaz as Duchess. Let’s face it, she needs the work.

The Hangover (2008)

What if…the wedding day arrived and Will was nowhere to be seen? When his friends awake in a trashed Vegas hotel room to find Prince William missing, they must retrace their footsteps if they are ever to return to Westminster Abbey in time for the ceremony. Rather than signing off with some atmospheric church bells or a choice few final words from Kay Burley, the nation is treated to drunken pictures from the night before, to the dulcet tones of Flo Rida.

Mamma Mia! (2008)

What if…Prince William (aged…well, I guess it would have had to been 10. Scandal!) had unknowingly impregnated Kate Middleton on some picturesque Greek island in their youth. The wedding could have united the two lovers, along with Academy Award Winner Colin Firth and Stellan SkarsgĂ„rd, for the first time in eighteen years, allowing them to fall in love once more and serenade the nation in endearingly defiled Abba songs.

The Bride of Chucky (1998)

What if…Prince William was actually a murderous puppet who, in a fit of revenge, killed Kate Middleton and tied her soul to a trashy doll using the same magic that had cursed him three movies before. Kidnapping Kate’s neighbours and setting off in search of an amulet rumoured to be able to make them human again, Will and Kate make a pit stop along the way for a roadside wedding and a spot of kinky motel sex. See Buckingham Palace? Drama.

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