Aromascope was only the beginning. Gigaplex operator Cineworld (of Scary Trailers fame) has announced its intention to enhance selected cinemas with the addition of vibrating seats (you know, like they’ve had at Disneyland for about 25 years), and for some reason it pleases them to refer to ‘vibrating seats’ as ‘4D’. Take a moment to absorb that…

Ahem, Cineworld? If you are really introducing a 4D cinema experience to Glasgow, it means audiences will be able to perceive a dimension which has hitherto proved impossible to adequately describe. Ever. Will your planned screenings of John Carter make use of four-dimensional analogues, Cineworld? Is the titular White Messiah imitation going to find, for example, a tesseract on the floor in between fighting ridiculous Martians? Do you even know what a tesseract is, Cineworld? No, that’s right – you can’t know what it is in any more than a theoretical sense because IT’S A FUCKING HYPERCUBE AND OUR BRAINS AREN’T CAPABLE OF VISUALISING IT.

That thing’s a tesseract, by the way. You are unlikely to see one during John Carter, although maybe we’re just being judgemental and there are actually loads hidden behind the stupid aliens. Anyway, Glasgow’s Renfrew Street Cineworld (our very own Papa Neish had this to say about Renfrew St) will be tooled up with D-Box seats from 9th March – tickets will be an extra £4.50 each, but surely that’s a small price to pay for this?

The prosecution rests.