OH MY FUCKING VAMPIRE JESUS, it’s only 156 days until we literally never have to report on a Twilight film ever again! The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (a format which has, by the way, been ROBBED from Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back &c) is due to flounce into UK cinemas on November 16th, shedding sparkles and credibility with every mincing undead step. And today, the first image of Stephanie Meyer’s one-dimensional vampire family has hit the web courtesy of Entertainment Weekly (who really should know better).

Here it is. Click to enlarge, if your life is genuinely that hollow:

Has his hair always been that shit? Why are they wearing matching jackets? Are those riding trousers? Why do they both look like they’ve been crafted out of their own melted-down action figures? Where the fuck are they supposed to be, in some sort of vampire Snappy Snaps squinting at a big white umbrella manipulated by a probable paedophile? What the fuck is with that fucking kid?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is officially as excited as we are prepared to get.

Are you excited about Twilight? Then clear off.