Kristen Stewart to star in ‘romantic adaptation’ of Nineteen Eighty-Four

It was a bright, cold day in April, and Kristen Stewart was continuing her one-woman quest to comprehensively ruin popular culture. The home-wrecking Twilight star has once again turned her awful blank face in the direction of something genuinely good (previously on Things Kristen Stewart Ruined Forever: Jack Kerouac, fairytales, Jodie Foster) with the announcement that she’ll be starring opposite Nicholas Hoult (previously on Things Nicholas Hoult Ruined Forever: Hugh Grant, fairytales, being Toni Collette’s probably autistic son) in a “love story of epic, epic, epic proportion” based on Nineteen Eighty-Four. Jesus Christ.

In Equals, based SPECTACULARLY loosely on the original 1956 adaptation of Orwell’s 1949 novel (which wasn’t, for the record, called 1984 – spell it out, you lazy hacks), Hoult and Stewart will play a pair of star-crossed lovers in what we’re being assured is the future. Hoult’s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence, one of the few people we don’t actively hate, originally read the script, but decided against taking the part. Having messed things up with Robert Pattinson AND failed to pull Chris Hemsworth during the shooting of Snow White and the Huntsman, Stewart seized the opportunity to have a go at another leading man and distract her public from the realisation that her last halfway-decent film was The Runaways. At least Equals director Drake Doremus is already divorced, so that’s a relationship she can’t destroy.

For more than sixty years, Nineteen Eighty-Four has had a steadily deepening impact on our collective image of authoritarianism, as well as significantly enriching the English political lexicon. It’s had its fair share of unworthy pop culture homages, as anyone who’s currently watching Big Brother or the terrible new Room 101 will know, but at least those programmes give a vague impression that the producers had, at some point, read and understood the book. Equals is, according to Stewart, built around “a really basic concept” (just as well) – the thing is, we sort of suspect that the subjugation of the proles and Emmanuel Goldstein’s Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism and doublethink and Neo-Bolshevism and, oh god, EVERYTHING INTERESTING OR INNOVATIVE ABOUT IT is going to be completely bulldozed in favour of two high-cheekboned idiots trying to thumb it in without a telescreen spotting them.

Does your opinion of Equals diverge EVEN SLIGHTLY from the above? Then get out. We expect you’ll find what you want on Perez Hilton’s festering little site, MiniPez. Not that you’d get that reference.

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