Who the flerkin schnit is Oren Uziel, and what dirt does he have on those producers at Sony? A photo of some head-honcho rimming an Alpaca? Without doing the necessary research it’s impossible to tell, although if you’re asking this reporter’s opinion, the answer is “100% yes that’s exactly what he has,” because why else would someone who’s only writing credit to date is Mortal Kombat: Rebirth (you’ve not seen it, nor have I) be hired to write the screenplay for Men in Black 4 AND 21 Jump Street 2 (which by rights should be called 42 Jump Street)?

Although it’s true that pretty much nobody knows anything about Men in Black 4, all the principal cast from Men in Black 3 are set to return – Smith, Jones, with maybe more screen time for the truly bloody wonderful in every way Emma Thompson who, if she’s reading this, can come round for tea literally whenever she wants. Director Barry Sonnenfeld also hinted that the new movie might be set in outer space. That’s all we’ve got. One of Will Smith’s rubbish kids is likely to be in it too.

Not much is known about 42 Jump Street either (I swear to God if that’s what it ends up being called I’ll go ballistic), only that main characters Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill will be going undercover as college students this time, instead of high school students. Hopefully this will lead to a Bond-level franchise which will see Tatum and Hill go through every phase of education possible until they become so disillusioned with the education system that they turn to politics and run for President jointly in order to implement a radical overhaul of the American school system, meaning the series of films is actually one gigantic satire. That won’t happen. 21 Jump Street was dead good though, so y’know, fingers crossed.

Knowledge is power in Hollywood, and right now, Uziel holds all the power. Who knows what mad contract filler he’s hired to write next? All we know is that the film of his we’re most excited about isn’t Men in Black 4, nor is it 42 Jump Street, nor is it the Mortal Kombat reboot he’s ALSO been hired to write…no, the film we are slapping our gums over is Downtown Owl, which can only be about an owl who loves Tom Waits.