Universal bellend Michael Bay, with his toy-wrestler face and paedophile haircut, was attacked in Hong Kong whilst filming the latest Transformers installment – presumably the scenes he’s not just cutting and pasting from his other “films”. Bay apparently received injuries to the right side of his face. When asked whether this was his good side Bay replied “I’m quite unique in that I don’t have a good side, I’m incredibly handsome from all angles, Doctors can’t explain it.”

All reports thus far have stated that two men have been arrested on suspicion of blackmail and assault, but we’re hear to tell you that those reports are total baloney. Best For Film writer Duncan Vicat-Brown is the real culprit, hating Michael Bay as he does with the white hot fervour of a thousand suns.

One can only hope that this attack slows down progress on the Transformers film, but it’s unlikely. Mark Wahlberg’s in it this time; you know Mark Wahlberg, that terrible, terrible actor who’s managed to trick certain people into thinking he’s in some way talented, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Mark Wahlberg looks like a school bully, but not even the alpha male of the group of bullies, the one who talks the talk but would immediately cry if he was brought in for a telling off. He likes to talk about how he “DJs on the side” too. His favourite club anthem is David Guetta’s Titanium.

Mark Wahlberg has been attacked on the set of Transformers by this reporter. Mark Wahlberg is dead. Michael Bay is dead. Transformers is dead.