Would you like Steven Spielberg to come over there and lick your toes clean, Michel Hazanavicius? That’s probably the only accolade left.

She’s playing Spindly

…look, YOU try finding news that isn’t BAFTA BAFTA BAFTA

Valentine’s Day approaches, and as this Friday night looms you’re either putting the finishing touches on the mound of presents you’ve prepared for your other half or injecting K Cider into your genitals in the hope that it’ll feel like someone stroking (or at least punching) you. If the former is true, we hate you – if it’s the latter, put that syringe down and try having a drink the traditional way. Compulsively.

Who?

Better to rule in People’s Sexiest Man Alive chart than to serve in Heaven, eh Bradley? Eh?

A heist movie in which the main character spends 90% of his screentime on a foot-wide ledge? That sounds interesting! And it nearly was. Man on a Ledge contains all the ingredients necessary for a credible thriller, but it falls at the last hurdle – putting them together. Also, Sam Worthington is still useless. Message ends.

Watt the dickens?

Charlize Theron is on deliciously caustic form in dark comedy Young Adult; a tale of one woman’s desperate addiction to the life she no longer has. It may be that the script never quite matches the brilliance of the star, but with Theron’s horrible anti-heroine leading every scene its easy to stop worrying, sit back and sink into pure unadultered squirm.

George Lucas’ mammoth rerelease of all six Star Wars films in 3D has finally begun with the most profitable of them all, 1999’s The Phantom Menace. Are you thinking about going to see it, just for old times’ sake? DON’T. There’s no need for you to ruin your comfortably rose-tinted memories of Lucas’ increasingly childish ‘space operas’, and he’ll only use the money to increase the diameter of his neck some more…