God, things are sexy, aren’t they? So many things that there are, and all of them sexy. Baths, cooking, pithy conversations in a descending elevator – all you need is Anne Hathaway, some improbably witty back and forth with a chiselled titaniMAN, and boom – fruitful flesh-grappling is in the air. Except, of course, that it never is. Not really.

The unseen footage from Apollo 18, which is released today, will give us historically accurate and scientifically verifiable accounts of why we never returned to the moon. On top of the rock-solid evidence provided by Apollo 18, we have compiled a list of intergalactic calamity that should keep your lunar escapades at bay.

As we discovered to our cost a few weeks ago, the only way to get through a screening of 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy is to be so drunk that you can’t feel your extremities. After having our ‘cultural sensitivity’ nodes rotted by decades of dreadful stereotypes, we’re just going to assume that the same rule applies to everything from what we’re still calling the Far East. That’s not racist, right?

So indecisive you can’t choose what mug to use for your frothy morning energiser? Well hopefully this list will help you narrow down those options. But for films, not mugs. Hmm…although there might be a gap in the market for Best for Mugs.

First time director Niall MacCormick more-or-less delivers with this sweet and predictable slice of countryside sexual politics. And lost childhood. And foundering careers. And growing up. And Alzheimer’s Disease. And some boobs (but only for a second). Basically, each character has a big oppressive thing hanging round his or her neck – if only there was a name for that… Did we mention it’s called ALBATROSS?

There’s absolutely no way on Earth that someone can walk into a packed-out Bollywood movie and NOT enjoy what they’re seeing. There really, really isn’t. It doesn’t matter how wooden the acting, how impossible the storyline or how irritating the music, these movies just have a certain quality that completely pull you in…

Has George produced a floater or a sinker?

Easy for the title to say. Prepare to be mildly unsettled by Guillermo del Toro’s latest darkened fairytale, featuring our old childhood chums, the toothfairies. Except it seems they’ve up-sized to devouring whole children…

No, it’s not about The Clash.

VINDICATION AHOY!