Your brain is gearing up for another week of think-filth, so who can blame you for spending your final hours of freedom gawping cheerily into nothingness? There are BRAND NEW films out this week, and all of them have splendid, noisy trailers. Stop trying to read anything, leave the washing-up where it is and promise yourself you’ll definitely change your sheets in an hour or so – WATCHING TRAILERS IS NOW!

Looking for a challenging piece of angsty art house grime that will change the way you think about the universe and your place within it? Stop being so serious, can’t you? Down a mogadon smoothie and go and see Salmon Fishing In The Yemen instead. It’s got fish in it.

In the trailer for The Devil Inside the film rather proudly states that the Vatican did not give its endorsement. Well, neither did they endorse 21 Jump Street, but you don’t see them banging on about it do you? Anyway, perhaps they just weren’t fans of the movie. Big cinephile, The Pope, didn’t you know? Well, you will after reading his scathing critques of these other films the Vatican doesn’t want you to see.

George Lucas’ mammoth rerelease of all six Star Wars films in 3D has finally begun with the most profitable of them all, 1999’s The Phantom Menace. Are you thinking about going to see it, just for old times’ sake? DON’T. There’s no need for you to ruin your comfortably rose-tinted memories of Lucas’ increasingly childish ‘space operas’, and he’ll only use the money to increase the diameter of his neck some more…

Do you know what’s out next week? The 3D version of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, that’s what. We’re warily eyeing our invite to the screening and wondering how we could possibly get out of going. To keep us distracted from the inevitably disappointing experience, we’ve decided to get very drunk and mock George Lucas. So grab some Ewoks, a bucketful of booze and a novelty lightsaber-stirrer; things are about to get messy…

Haywire is a funny little thing, a strange mix of gritty action, suave loitering and lots and lots of running. Star Gina Carano is supremely believable as Woman Who Will Kill Everyone, but she never seems quite at home amongst Soderbergh’s splashy cymbals and stylish basslines. At the end of the day, just as Statham will never be Bond, Carano just doesn’t suit the slick-suited world of pseudo-spying – just let her loose in Dublin with a baseball bat and a score to settle next time, eh?

Rarely has a week been so dripping in cinematic GOOD. Why even bother having friends when you can simply sit in the darkness and watch people you don’t know go about their lives? We call it ORANGE WEDNESDAY, you perhaps just call it What I Do Every Night. Every Horrifying Night.

We love films. Well, we love most of them. Some of them are only OK, and some of them we’d like to get our greasy paws on and re-cast and re-direct all together. Here are five of them, because ten would have gotten me over-excited and I’d never be able to settle for my nap otherwise.

And politics. And sport. And the COUNTRYSIDE!?!

Ever since Star Wars fans staged a boycott against George Lucas’ latest milk-the-hell-outta-previous-success scheme (namely, his heavily adapted Blu Ray editions), we’ve been at breaking point with the bearded man. So, like your very own Ghost Of Film-Mistakes Past, I’ll be taking him backwards through time in the hopes that looking at his mistakes anew will make him a better person. Here are the Top 10 WTF Moments of George Lucas’ Career