In some ways “How the Commie Libs ruined Christmas and Want to Turn Us All Into Godless Heathens” is just a classic tale of a brave young woman who faces incredible odds with nothing but faith, a pretty smile, and her bright blue eyes…

Who’d have thought that the basic premise of ‘Die Hard’ would work so well when transplanted to the multi-million pound world of Premier League football? Director Tony Scott – that’s who. Jingle Balls: With a Vengeance sure isn’t subtle but it brings ‘kick’ ass action to the screen which will be Christmas come early for action fans.

In his first Christmas film since the hallowed Nightmare Before Christmas, master of the kid’s film, Tim Burton has returned to form, bouncing back from the horrors of Alice In Wonderland to bring us the exceptional One Sleep ‘Till Santa.

‘Because Christmas is a time for giving and receiving’, the desiccated but still arrestingly busty zombie that is the Carry On franchise has reared its ugly head for a festive reboot.

‘Death is coming this Christmas with a Frost’, as Girl with a Pearl Earring director Peter Webber presents a supernatural slasher flick with a cold, cold heart.

Santa and his elves bring you the true meaning of Christmas – spending time with family and friends, over-indulgence, and the giving, not the receiving. Of wedgies, that is.

“He gave joy to the world, but never asked for anything in return. Until now.”

Think you know the legend of Santa Claus? Well, director JJ Abrams has just rewritten it in much the same way that he put Star Trek into a blender and poured out a delicious, new soup.

Director Carl Turkeybaster was faced with an almost impossible task when Werner Bros’ approached him to direct Rudolf: First Snow – but the man went above and beyond in creating this truly incredible cinematic masterpiece.

When mutant reindeer zombies once again take over Lapland, tearing into presents and the elven population alike, it is up to an ageing Santa to save the day once again. Skipping cinema’s out of principle and not lack of quality, we take a trip down to the local bargain-bin to see what this latest instalment has in store.

We’ve melted our brains watching some of the oddest Christmas films ever committed to celluloid; the least you can do is read our opinions. This blog is suitable for fans of squirrels, kidnapping, teleportation, Martians, amnesia, S Club 7, rent arrears, curling, balloons and rape.