Oh my shit, it’s April! And it’s brought along not only Fools’ Days, sweet spring showers and the prospect of some chinless wonder marrying a Sloane, but also a batch of fresh and steaming new films – some promising, others less so. Stick around as we sift through this month’s cinematic offerings week by week and separate the fresh fish (FRESH FISH, Glen Coco!) from the distinctly murky tuna salad…

I don’t know about you, but we’re hoping for really crummy weather this summer. Rain, sleet, fog and whatever else God’s got in his “let’s piss them right off” bag; it’s the only way that we won’t feel guilty about spending the entire time at the cinema. A lot of heavy hitters are coming our way in summer 2011, so give up on your tan (lets be honest, you’ve been a lost cause from the start) and throw away any sunny specs that aren’t 3D compatible – it’s cinema summer checklist time.

If you love horror films and you have at least twenty-four hours to live, then there is absolutely nothing you should be doing more than reading (and subsequently adhering to) this itinerary. How else are you going to know what to watch at six thirty in the morning when you’ve just watched a zombie baby rip someone’s head open?

Continuing his increasingly long-standing tradition of making films just good enough to remind you how much better they could have been, Woody Allen’s 47th outing as a writer and 44th as a director is quirky and charming – it’s a shame that a slew of solid performances aren’t enough to disguise its essential emptiness.

Everyone loves a villain – more fun to play, watch and steal quotes from than any floppy-haired namby-pamby good guy, and usually prettier to boot. It’s such a shame they always seem to end up getting shot/stabbed/thrown off buildings/drowned/burnt by hot doorknobs (damn you, Kevin McCallister), so we thought we’d round up some of our favourites for a Who’s Who of all the bad guys that really should have won.

We definitely would.

Anthony Hopkins and some chap you’ve never heard of star in a film which is stuck halfway between psychological thriller and demon-haunted horror. Solid performances and a refreshing rejection of SFX go some way towards redeeming this confused, lumpen effort, but it’s still a long way from being welcomed into the divine presence.

Where Natalie Portman does a lot of running around with her mouth open.

Hopkins chalks up another film to scare the kids.

Back again for more incredibly annoying characters – here are the people you wish you could reach through the screen and slap in Top Twenty Most Irritating Movie Characters of All Time Part 2!