Oh hi, Tarsem Singh. Ever heard of Icarus? Yeah, he was the son of Daedalus, escaped from Crete with wings made of wax, all that. Dead? Yeah, he’s dead – flew too close to the sun, arrogant little tit. Hubristic? Yeah, I suppose he was – still, at least he didn’t have the gall to make Immortals. Did he, Tarsem Singh? DID HE?

The wait is over. The moment has finally come. A ski film starring Michael Madsen, Kellan Lutz AND Luke Goss. Well, actually the moment came three years ago, but whatever. The real question is, what is Luke Goss of Eighties band Bros fame doing in this film? And why do people have names like ‘Kellan Lutz’?

A superbly upsetting film, We Need to Talk About Kevin sees Lynne Ramsay and Tilda Swinton join forces to emotionally brutalise their audience in a fantastically realised adaptation of Lionel Shriver’s beast of a book.

Look, Paranormal Activity, you’re a smart, scary franchise, I know you could do better than this if you applied yourself. 1988 is not a scary year, and creepy children are seriously overdone. Supernatural horror in the heart of suburbia? Sounds brilliant. Witches? Not so much.

D’you know what Million Dollar Baby needed? A scruffy kid with big eyes, Evangeline Lilly, and MASSIVE ROBOTS. Hugh ‘all the genres, all of the time, so long as I get to be buff’ Jackman stars in an unreasonably enjoyable sci-fi sports extravaganza which will leave you wondering why Hollywood has never before made a robot fight a 2000lb bull.

David R. Ellis is familiar enough with the slasher-less slasher genre, having previously directed not just one but two instalments in the Final Destination franchise. His latest offering sees a batch of very CGI sharks take over death’s killing duties, as another array of faceless teens line up for slaughter. At the end of the Night, however, maybe Ellis should have stuck with invisible killers, as the director doesn’t fare quite so well when handed a box of pixels and left to jump the shark instead.

Festival audiences all over the world have lavished praise on Sean Durkin’s debut feature Martha Marcy May Marlene, the tense and disturbing story of a girl who escapes from a charismatic cult leader but is plagued by horrific memories of her subjugation. Who knew there was an Olsen sister who was actually talented?

Two American girls become separated on a biking trip through the remote backroads of rural Argentina. Cue cautionary tale slathered with a healthy ol’ dose of girl-on-girl gore? Not quite. Beyond an opening scene vaguely suggestive of electrocution, and a (more tortuous) rendition of the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ this is, by no means, the material from which to get one’s bloodlusty jollies.

When the credits rolled on Clerks II with the distinct feeling that a much-loved Kevin Smith chapter had closed, it was hard to see what his next move would be. With news that Red State, a so-called horror movie about a far-right Christian cult, was in the pipeline, it seemed as if Kevin Smith had left his Askewniverse behind completely. Well, not only is Red State Smith’s best film to date, but the similarities between it and his previous nine offerings are more numerous than one might expect; pointing to a director at the peak of his craft.

Half drowned from the deluge of rave reviews (and probably lagoon) with which it was met in Venice, Tomas Alfredson’s adaptation of John Le Carré’s classic Cold War thriller will shortly open in Britain. Don’t miss it. As engaging an adaptation of the labyrinthine novel as was the classic BBC series starring Alec Guinness, this is the very definition of a masterful translation to the screen.