Where would Back To The Future be without that beautiful aural backdrop of “DER NERRR ner ner ne ner NER NER NER, DER NERRRR de ne ner ner ner NER”? Admittedly it loses something in translation, but the point is, this week’s cheat sheet is dedicated to the man who makes Robert Zemekis sound like a champion: Alan Silvestri.

It’s fair to say that we’ve made our position on Nicolas Cage a matter of public record – the man is increasingly an embarrassment to his craft (not to mention his uncle), churning out film after shitty film with reckless abandon. And now, to add insult to injury, he’s invaded the Mash-Up! We’re not having this. DEFEND YOUR SCHOOL!

Holy pineapple chunks, Batman – it’s a brand new feature! Today and on every weekend until the Earth is consumed by fire and ice, we will be bringing you the pick of the week’s film gossip in a format so accessible, democratic and toothsome you might well mistake it for Peaches Geldof’s ladygarden. It’s time to round up the news…

Ah, Tim Burton. It seems everyone’s got an opinion on the pseudo-gothic king of whimsical romantic fantasy – whether you worship his early work and abominate Alice in Wonderland, prefer his more straightforward films (Planet of the Apes, anyone?) or just want to see more dead women getting married, it’s hard to stay neutral. With that sentiment ever at the forefront of our minds, we’ve had a bit of a row.

Damn Your Eyes is a Grindhouse Western about an eyeless badass cowboy who drinks goat’s milk and goes from town to town exacting bloody revenge on a past wrong. Creative swearing, smoke-filled saloons, Oedipal complexes and blood seeping into sawdust… what more could any Westploitation fan wish for?

If Arnold Schwarzenegger can turn his flirtation with politics into yet another superLAD role, why shouldn’t some of the luminaries of UK government do the same? We’ve come up with some of the most promising Parliamentarians and given them a comic book makeover; in their first public appearance, we’re proud to present the Westminster Wonders!

The glorious sunshine cannot sway team BFF from their mortal quest: today is Wednesday, and thus all of this week’s releases are banging on the great stone doors, begging to be judged. Fear not, oh ye of the citrus retribution, tis time you were counted.

At Cheat Sheet Villas (it’s a granny flat in the grounds of Best For Film Towers), we’re always on the lookout for stars with a less extravagant public profile than the Britneys and LiLos of the world; then we expose them and shamelessly drag all their secrets into the merciless light of day like squirming vampire children being torn from their coffins. This week, it’s the turn of screenwriter extraordinaire Jane Goldman!

Who are the most baked, caned, hopped-up or tripped-out characters in movie history? Here, in the sort of order which can only really be dreamt up through a haze of quaaludes, mescaline and Night Nurse, are our top ten.

This week the Monday Mash-Up’s got a li’l bit fruity on y’all. It might be the suddenly sultry weather or the biscuits we had after lunch, or it could just be that Alice‘s rabid lust is beginning to leak from her very pores and turn Best For Film Towers into some giant slavering orgy of a website. Anyway, have a peek.