A historical comedy telling of how the vibrator was originally invented for a perceived medical purpose, Hysteria’s story may find its roots in an era less advanced than our own, but with “haven’t we come far” serving essentially as both the film’s plot and its only joke, any sense of modern sophistication soon gets old fast. After all, if the prospect of an overweight Italian lady bursting into operatic song whilst climaxing on a doctor’s table can be billed as the peak of 21st Century hilarity, it seems society still has a long way to go.

Boo. Also, HAMMER!

Festival audiences all over the world have lavished praise on Sean Durkin’s debut feature Martha Marcy May Marlene, the tense and disturbing story of a girl who escapes from a charismatic cult leader but is plagued by horrific memories of her subjugation. Who knew there was an Olsen sister who was actually talented?

*half-hearted joke about the subsequent buzz created*

For explorer George Mallory, Mount Everest was to be man’s last great conquest – The Wildest Dream. But during a fateful expedition in 1924, Mallory disappeared behind a wall of cloud just a short climb away from the mountain’s peak. He was never seen alive again. Did Mallory make it to the summit 30 years earlier than the recognised record holders? This intriguing documentary intends to find out. But although watching it is by no means an uphill struggle, sadly its makers possess only a fraction of Mallory’s bravery.

We’re all for brainless and fluffy rom-coms, they’re what this country was built on after all. However, Confessions Of A Shopaholic not only lacks depth, but is devoid of humour, charm and pace. With so many other films in this genre offering quirky comedy, razor wit and serious style, we’re less than impressed. Shopaholic? We’re not buying it.