Friday Drinking Game #37 – Star Wars, Episodes I – III
Take one sip…
Whenever you have an uncontrollable urge to kill Jar Jar Binks
This will happen whenever you see Jar Jar Binks. Or hear his name mentioned. Most people find the first film, fraught with Jar Jar appearances, to be the most damaging on the liver. However, many others have succumbed to acute alcohol poisoning when they discover that, midway through Episode 2, the hated Gungan has been made a senator. A SENATOR!
Sod it, down your drink. You deserve it after that distressing news bulletin…
Whenever Ewan McGregor has done something inexplicable to his hair
We get it Ewan. You’re a Jedi. WELL DONE YOU! But are Jedis famed for mad facial hair and horrifying rat-tail plaits? No, of course they bloody aren’t.
Alec Guinness never gave us any of this sh*t.
Whenever the gaping plotholes threaten to eat up your brain
Oh yes Lucas. We’re talking about the plotholes YOU made with YOUR stupid writing. Oh yeah, we get it; the droids have had their memories wiped. Poor C3P0 and R2D2. None of this is their fault. Blankly, they will greet Ben Kenobi in Episode IV and have absolutely no recollection of him… but he should remember them. He should, shouldn’t he? Because he hangs out with those droids from Padawan to Master and, let’s face it, you can’t mindwipe a Jedi. Those dudes are totally too focused for that.
On that note, maybe Darth Vader should recognise them too. Being as, I dunno, he built C3P0 from scratch. Himself. In the house he shared with his mother. The mother whose death tipped him over into the Dark Side. Yup. Crucial plotpoints don’t matter to Lucas; not when he can attempt to distract us with flashing lights and a wealth of special effects…
Whenever someone dies of something pathetic (like a broken heart)
Okay, okay. So this only happens once. But tell me it doesn’t set YOUR teeth on edge when Padmé Amidala, former Queen of Naboo, dies because she’s “given up on life”. What an idiot. Her hubby may have gone gone stark raving evil-mental, but she did just give birth to the awesome Skywalker twins.
Nothing to live for indeed. Pah!
Take two sips…
Whenever you see Anakin Skywalker
Whether child actor or Hayden Christensen, this guy just makes our blood boil. He’s more angsty than Harry Potter, a worse actor than the chimpanzee they used to use in the PG Tips adverts and so completely un-endearing that, when Obi-Wan casually leaves him to slowly burn alive, you cheer. You stand up, clink your drinks together and you cheer. That’s how much we hate you Anakin.
Whenever, in the Original Trilogy, someone LIES about the events of the prequels
Ah, we love the original trilogy. We know where we stand with the original trilogy. Lucas doesn’t get his characters to forcefeed us horrible lies… or does he?
They do, actually. Luke Skywalker, when ‘coming out’ to Princess Leia as her estranged brother (forgetting all that nasty incest), asks her to describe her mother.
“She was… very beautiful. Kind, but… sad.”
Aw Leia, so deep. So deep and poignant and full of utter BULLSH*T! You never met your mother. We saw what happened. You were scooped out of her by a robot and then she died. Because she “gave up on life”, remember? You’re lying. You’re lying to Luke and we don’t understand why. And now, every time we witness you not meeting your mother in Episode III, we require a stiff shot to calm our nerves.
Thanks for that.
Whenever a Jedi dies…
There used to be lots of Jedi, you know. In Episodes IV – VI, Yoda and Ben Kenobi are pretty much keeping the whole show alive as a duet – but in Episodes I – III, there were hundreds of them! From Mace Windu to the infinite supply of younglings in the Jedi Academy, it seemed as if nothing would ever bring down these guardians of the peace.
And then came order 66…
Did you see that? Those clones totally did one over on the Jedi. Bastards.
Whenever someone reacts badly to the death of a youngling
Weirdly, people seem far more upset by Anakin murdering a handful of children than they do the mass cull of adult Jedi. Every time someone mentions a youngling having been killed (and seems horrified) have two sips of delicious alcohol. An act of mourning or celebration? I guess it depends on whether you count yourself a Sith…
Whenever you recognise Keira Knightley under all that make-up
Keira Knightley is a little like Marmite; you either love her or you want to put her in the bin. Either way, you may be pleased (or disgusted) to discover that she plays Sabé, the decoy Queen of Naboo. She wears lots of silly make-up, has a thing for OTT costumes and, basically, comes across as a bit of a bitch. But it’s still her. If that’s not worthy of a drink, we don’t know what is.
Take three sips…
Whenever Liam Neelson’s death feels like a fitting punishment
Seriously, it’s true. Liam, you’re BETTER than all of this prequel nonsense. You should have said no to Lucas and all his promises of a wig worth fighting for. But all this we could have forgiven you. We forgave Ewan, after all. But when you rescue Jar Jar Binks from certain death, the little spot we saved for you in our hearts was destroyed. Darth Maul’s swift murder seems like a justifiable execution. Stay your hand Ewan… Maul did right.
Whenever the prequels infiltrate the classics
Remember that fateful day when the Blu-Ray collection of the Star Wars Saga was unleashed unto the public? And how we realised that EVERYTHING we hated about the prequels had seeped into the Originals, like an unstoppable disease?
It was a bad day for humankind.
Not only were the Ewoks now blinking like nobody’s business, but Anakin “We Hate You Hayden” Skywalker seems to have appeared at the very end of Episode VI. Take a gander:
I mean, seriously; where in the name of Skywalker has Sebastian Shaw gone? We loved him. That was the father Luke laid eyes upon. Luke has no idea who this sullen looking teen is; sure, he can guess, but why should he have to? It’s HIS hallucination. He should be allowed to hallucinate whoever the gungan he wants.
Whenever you forget that Natalie Portman is playing a cougar
Padmé Amidala and Anakin Skywalker; theirs was a romance that threatened to destroy the Republic as everyone knew it (and it did!) but remember their first ever meeting? Casual cougar behaviour…
It seems that she meets him aged 14 and then, as best as we BFFers can tell, remains 22 forevermore. Anakin, on the other hand, propels himself into manhood super quickly. Can you think of another tale where implausible ageing / non-ageing plays an integral part in a relationship?
(Hint: If you said something lame, like Twilight, you were totally right)
BECOME ONE WITH THE FORCE AND DOWN THAT DRINK!
When you suddenly realise that Yoda tastes of wasabi and it is the END OF THE WORLD!
Hungry? Why not have some classic Star Wars with your dinner?
So. Yoda tastes like wasabi. Who knew?
With this one line, it seems that Darth Lucas has fully embraced the Dark Side and is, in fact, happy to EAT his beloved creations if it means there’s a fat cheque in it for him. He literally doesn’t care anymore. Blinking Ewoks may prosper in the former splendour of Endor, orgasmic ducks can wail in Tatooine, Darth Vader can scream “NOOOOOO!!!” as loudly and for as long as he likes and people can, quite literally, eat f*cking Yoda.
Down your drink. Build up the confidence. And then, my dear Star Wars fans, you may as well pick up that blaster pistol, place it gently between your teeth and pull the trigger. There’s nothing left for us in this world now.