Tash (made her own Miss Congeniality sash and wears it over her pyjamas):

There’s no way you hate Sandra Bullock. That just isn’t how it works. She’s so obviously a brilliant person that it’s just not possible. From being all panic-haired in Speed, to being “unattractive” in Miss Congeniality to being The Mom With A Heart Of Thing in The Blind Side – Bullock always delivers solid, funny performances that look like they have a grounding in Being A Jolly Good Human. What’s your beef?

John (threw a library copy of Speed under the wheels of a moving bus. IRONY):

My beef is not with Bullock per se (although I think there ought to be statutory limits controlling the amount of time you’re allowed to spend pretending that ‘really shiny hair’ is the same as ‘being an amazing actress’); it’s with the monstrous, spongiform and encephalopathic mess all over her CV. Mark Kermode charitably described her as having made three good films ever, but even if you were really into Speed it’s hard to deny that Bullock on the poster usually means bollocks in the cinema. How has she not stabbed her agent before now?

Tash:

Oh come on, even a bad Sandra Bullock movie still pushes the critic pram to the happy side of the cliff! The Proposal, Two Weeks Notice, that other Miss Congeniality film that I haven’t seen because it’s clearly bollocks – they get passable purely with Bullock’s involvement. The thing is, she is actually, genuinely funny. She can make scenes that aren’t that funny really fucking funny, because she is actually bloody talented. Can you even imagine the fall out Two Weeks Notice would have had if Jennifer Lopez had taken that role? The world still stands because it went to Sandra “glue holding this whole thing together” Bullock. And she went up and collected her Worst Actress Razzie for All About Steve, cos she’s an absolute champion.

John:

Two Weeks Notice (I’ve never forgiven them for forgetting the apostrophe in the title) is saved, if saved is the word I want – ‘barely dragged back from the lip of an abyss of caramelised shit’ is more accurate but less punchy – by Hugh Grant, and Hugh Grant alone – Bullock’s whiny, self-righteous character is a bore and a disappointment, as fucking usual. She’s not a bad actress, it’s just that she’s got no interest in making anything that isn’t insipid, plotless, sexist and deeply dreary; and she’s the reason Michael Caine had to vomit out that “Don’t I look pretty?” line, for which I will never forgive her.

Tash:

OK, so if this isn’t about her being a bad actress, on what skills or lack thereof are you actually condemning here? She’s a producer too, lest we forget, AND she runs a bistro. AND a bakery. AND A FLORAL SHOP. What more do you want from your humans, Underwood? In a world where almost all Hollywood women get their kudos from hefting their silicone bags halfway to their ears, at least Sandra Bloody Bullock does it all with an arched eyebrow, a tasteful gown and a FLORAL SHOP.

John:

Hold the phone. She’s got a bistro?!

Tash:

True dat. DOUBLE TRUE. Check it out, fizzbitch: it’s called Bess Bistro (alliteration!) and it looks DELICIOUS.

John:

Fuck me, I’m sold. What a brilliant woman, actress and BISTRO QUEEN she must be…

Tash:

Nobody who has ever owned a bistro has also been a bad actress. That’s just a fact.

By Natasha Hodgson and John Underwood