Top 10 films that ruined sex forever
Here are a few scenes that have undoubtedly ruined your life. What’s the betting that Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac will top all of these films when it comes out on Friday?
#10 – The Matrix ReloadedThe biggest problem with this scene is, surprisingly, the lighting. Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss looking startlingly sticky in the back of that cave. The cybernetic implants don’t help, making this scene look more like a budget multiplug cross-breeding with a dead pig.
Oh yeah, it’s also implied that what’s left of the human race is having a giant smelly orgy set to drums in the next room. Terrible flatmates.
#9 – AlexanderColin Farrell seductively suggests to Rosario Dawson that “there are many different ways to love” before engaging in some pneumatic thrusting. We ran out the cinema into the nearest Boots, bought a toothbrush and some bleach, and shoved both far up our noses in an attempt to scrub our brains.
#8 – XXYThis is an amazing film exploring the ideas of identity, gender and sexuality. It’s beautiful, it’s nuanced, it’s a thoughtful and emotive exploration of the life of a teenage hermaphrodite. Gay sex is just dandy, and transsexuals also get two thumbs up from us, but seeing a sex-ambiguous girl with a penis roughly flip a boy onto his front and have her way with his sweet peach is bizarre.
If you’re anything like us you began cheering and whooping, before suddenly asking yourself why you’re doing so.
#7 – AvatarSam Worthington is awful enough to look at when he’s human, but you put those bland, snooze-inducing features into a CGI cat person and you’ve got a love machine. Aliens doing the horizontal hula is a brilliant idea (we’re big fans of Mass Effect after all) but the gross tentacles allowed James Cameron to show explicit sex without any fear of censorship.
And then he totally starts have tentacle sex with, like, dragons and stuff.
#6 – The Rock
Sex with Nicolas Cage is always a deeply traumatic experience (especially if Drive Angry is anything to go by), but watching him unconvincingly pant and mutter something about sorbet makes us feel a little ill. Let’s throw in a classic Cage freak out (“This cannot be HAP-en-INNggg…”) for good measure.
#5 – Demolition ManIn the future, when 20th Century Sylvester Stallone has been thawed out, society has changed quite a bit. For one thing, everyone has turned completely stupid. On the Brightside, they’ve banned physical intimacy, which is fine by us (DON’T TOUCH ME), preferring cyber-sex instead. Watching Stallone confused and scared by mind-sex with Sandra Bullock is horrible enough, but there’s a fairly solid fan theory going around that they are, in fact, father and daughter. All together now: Eeeeeeeeewwwwww!
#4 – TeethWe adore this film. As dark comedies go, it’s ruddy good, a fascinating exploration of the dramatic development of the central character Dawn, who we should mention at this point has teeth in her vagina. She moves from a sexually repressed victim, who uses her diagnosis of “vagina dentata” to defend herself into actively embracing her condition and using it for revenge. The sight of John Hensley’s junk, Prince Albert piercing and all, dropping to the floor from between Jess Weixler’s legs, is always bubbling just beneath the surface of our sanity.
#3 – MoonrakerSir Frederick Gray: “My God, what is Bond doing!?”
Q: “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.”
#2 – The RoomWe couldn’t compile a list about sex in film without mentioning Tommy Wiseau’s masterpiece The Room, which boasts three sex scenes within the first 22 minutes, the third simply a re-edit of the first sex scene. The cheesy R&B, the rose petals, the thrusting… oh the thrusting. It’s horrifying. We love this film more than anything else in the world, including Oreos, but Tommy Wiseau’s spectacular naked body is more akin to a skinned horse than a human.
#1 – Splice
Adrien Brody: “This horrible creature that I’ve created, which incidentally confusingly resembles Sophie Ellis-Bextor, must be destroyed.”
Sarah Polley: “I agree, it should be disposed of humanely and-“
Adrien Brody: “Two seconds, I just need to fuck it first.”