Top 10 (pairs of) crazy eyes in film
Remember that time when you were 14 and told your parents that you couldn’t go out with them wearing their old people clothes, shuffling their old people shuffle and being old people embarrassing because you had a life and friends and if they made you, you would “LITERALLY DIE”? Or what about the time you told everyone you were going to be a beat poet and grow a soul patch, and give up red meat because you needed to body cleanse? Remember the look that they gave you? Remember the feeling you had, the one that made you realise you were in some serious physical danger? Well done you! Because that’s the feeling you get directly after someone gives you… crazy eyes.
We at Best For Film recognise the power of crazy eyes, and so do some of our very finest directors and actors. For nothing indicates danger faster than a good pair of crazy eyes. This list is a compilation of the finest crazy eye performances EVER delivered on the big screen. YOU’RE WELCOME WORLD.
#10 – Natalie Portman
Natalie Portman; beautiful, smart, talented, and vaguely irritating in no particular (or every particular) way, once upon a time Natalie was just a sweet child prostitute in Léon. She was then a sweet down-home girl in SOME MOVIE I CAN NO LONGER REMEMBER BECAUSE SHE WAS IN LIKE, FIVE OF THEM. She was the out-of-work Geisha in Star Wars and shaved her head for The Mask or whatever. She’s been in a lot of stuff, and generally, she has the kind of “Let me take your jacket, why don’t we sit down and talk about collegiate math and meditate” face, which looks something (or a lot) like the picture above.
Okay, remember when she went insane and wanted to kill you?
Film: Black Swan
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: Extreme Ballet.
#9 – Steve Buscemi
Steve Buscemi shouldn’t really be in this list, as technically, his crazy eyes weren’t preceded by an event that turned him crazy, which is kind of the whole point of the article. But in Mr. Deeds, he literally played a character called Crazy Eyes. As conscientious reporters that check facts and shit, he just couldn’t have been left out. Plus, it is a fact o’ life that Steve Buscemi has crazy eyes all the time; THAT’S HOW GOOD AN ACTOR HE IS. Look at him. It’s like he stared into your soul and realised you were not as good an actor as him. And he’s right. You’re terrible. Also, look at this photo:
Did you look? Did you? Look into his directionless eyes! Does it hurt? I hope it hurts!
Film: Mr. Deeds
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: Horrible disfigurement as a child (?).
#8 – Ryan Reynolds
Ahh, Ryan Reynolds, he’s the human version of the colour beige. And sure, when I googled images to try and find pictures of his crazy eyes, the search kept coming up with the term ‘too-close-together’ but that’s not his fault. And can we help it if we find Ryan-Eyes-Too-Close-Together-Beigy-Reynolds really hot? No. And sure, he’s not responded to any of my our, OUR psychosexual emails. But he can’t help that, he’s busy being someone’s sidekick or the lead in a film with actors that were in those 90s teen films but are now on drugs and are holding/dragging down Ryan Reynolds’ star like it’s the only buoy in an ocean of mediocrity and Lifetime movies. Wait, what were we talking about?
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: Being told there was no reason for him to show his torso in this movie.
#7 – Every Character in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
That’s right. EVERY character. Roger Rabbit, you so Billy InZany!
Film: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: Bitches just be so zany!
#6 – Glenn Close
Did you know that we only just heard the phrase ‘bunny boiler’? Did you? WE as in the ENTIRE Best For Film posse, not the lowly scrub writing the article. That would be embarrassing. More importantly though, why does Michael Douglas own a bunny? He’s an elderly man.
Film: Fatal Attraction
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: Michael Douglas being so sexy and old.
#5 – Jack Nicholson
Ahh, these are probably the most famous crazy eyes of the lot. Look at him, wanting to murder his family because he hated the wallpaper and sconces and stuff. We hope if we ever get brutally murdered, those are the eyes that are looking at us. Cause then we can be like “woah, you totes look like Jack Nicholson right now,” and the murderer would be like “yeah, that’s kind of what I was going for,” and we’d be like “well, you succeeded man. Kudos. Kudos.”
Film: The Shining
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: He go crazy cause of bad home decorating, or something.
#4 – Al Pacino
Al Pacino as a blind dude in Scent of a Woman kind of bugged me. QUIT BEING SO SAD! AND STOP YELLING ALL THE TIME, WE CAN HEAR YOU! DO BLIND PEOPLE HAVE TO YELL A LOT? THAT SEEMS COUNTER-INTUITIVE. WHY DOES DISCUSSING AL PACINO MAKE ME WANT TO WRITE IN CAPS LOCK? I THINK IT IS BECAUSE HE IS SO SHOUTY. But how crazy were his eyes in Scent of a Woman? They’re all, you know, unfocused and thinking of suicide all the time. Why did he win an Oscar for that? That movie is so boring.
Film: Scent of a Woman
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: Juggling live grenades while intoxicated. Really. That’s in the film. That’s not even a joke. This film won an Oscar.
#3 – Tom Cruise
Oh man, this guy. This guy is special. He is the only one on this list that really commits to the form of crazy eyes. Because Tom Cruise isn’t just crazy with his eyes, he’s crazy with his whole body. He’s punched a ticket for the express train to Crazy Town and there ain’t nothin’ that’s goin’ to stop him. And we could sit here and reel off a bunch of movies that he makes his crazy eyes in (Jerry Maguire, Interview with the Vampire, etc., etc.) but we know you want to see the good stuff. The greatest movie he’s ever done: I Love Katie Holmes.
Film: I Love Katie Holmes
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: For legal reasons we are not allowed to say.
#2 – Nicolas Cage
Nic, Nic, Nicky Cage was originally my numero uno in this list, but he got bumped for a younger, far crazier eyed newcomer. But landing in at number two (ha!) ain’t bad, is it? Of course it isn’t. But don’t tell Nic Cage, because on top of crazy eyes, we’re pretty sure he’s just straight crazy. We’ve always thought if Nicolas Cage was a foodstuff, he’d be a dairy product, like cream. It can be so good, and used in so many things, but it has a sell-by date, and when you use it after the sell-by date it causes fever, vomiting, diarrhoea, chronic arthritis, pain whilst urinating and Typhoid Fever. TRUE STORY. Something, something, something Nicolas Cage.
Film: Every Nicolas Cage Film Ever in the History of Nicolas Cage Being Alive and in Films. You Know What I’m Talkin’ ‘Bout Willis.
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: PAST HIS SELL-BY DATE.
#1 – Robert Pattinson
Robert Pattinson gets a bum deal NO PUN INTENDED (and for more on that, check out In Defence of Robert Pattinson by fellow Best For Filmian Harry Harris). And besides, we know you got a little choked up when Cedric bit the big one NO PUN INTENDED. So don’t be all hatey about the R-Patz. And okay, so you don’t like Twilight, clearly you’re dead inside. Clearly the part of you that was a 14 year old girl got strangled by your alcoholism and need to seem cool to others. And we at Best for Film are definitely the second type. The dead-on-the-inside-guys. Definitely. But by refusing to watch Twilight, you have missed out on some of the best crazy eyes in the business.
As previously stated, when we started this article, Robert Pattinson wasn’t number one on our list, he wasn’t even number two (ha!), he was languishing at number seven like some normal-faced sucker. But the game all changed when we had to find the photos to back up our claim that he should be on this list. Seriously, it got intense. We’ve had to rock ourselves to sleep for fear of what we found. We no longer believe Robert Pattinson has a face that doesn’t look like he’s just about to stab you. There were so many crazy eyes. So many. We started to lose touch with reality. His eyes are like bombs of malice exploding in your face. So, so, so many. So many crazy eyes.
What have we done?!
Crazy Eyes Catalyst: Kristin Stewart’s stank. For reals, it’s in the movie and everything.