There’s only one villain who has really been the salsa on the Old El Batman enchilada, and that’s the Joker. Between Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger, that role is all sewn up, and we pray no one ever touches it again. Ever. However, with Tom Hardy’s Bane looking legitimately bed-wettingly scary, we at BFF Towers wondered why so many of Batman’s other enemies didn’t make the cut. From Anarky to Calendar Man, let us take you through what could have been, if Nolan’s films had been intended for the Disney Channel.

This week we only have two words to say to you (other than ‘Weather’s ghastly again’ and ‘Orange gives its customers 2-4-1 tickets on a Wednesday, do you think we could maybe spend eighteen months spinning a blog out of that concept?’. Those words are 1) MAGIC and 2) MIKE. Can you guess how this week’s OWLs are going to go? ONE OF THEM IS CALLED BIG DICK RICHIE OH MY GOD.

It has been suggested that Channing Tatum is something akin to Upstairs, Downstairs brought to life; Upstairs is fine, but Downstairs is where all the fun stuff is at. With his unparalleled wuzuquan kung fu skills winning him the ‘Most Athletic’ award from Tampa Catholic High School, in addition to his Best Fight MTV Movie Award nomination (he was robbed by that useless arrow-slinging bint Jennifer Lawrence), not only is this clearly patently untrue, but frankly insulting for an actor of Tatum’s quality and talent. Allow this Cheat Sheet to show you why.

SO MUCH ARSE

Tired of watching your favourite fairytales rehashed on the big screen? With Jack The Giant Killer, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and The Hunchback of Notre Dame all in various stages of production, and a Snow White and the Huntsman sequel already announced, it seems there is no sign of the trend abating just yet. With that in mind, we look back at the best and the worst films that this emerging genre so far has to offer.

No, in-your-end-o!

He brings out a new film every twelve to fourteen minutes, he has permanent standing orders to both Matt Damon and George Clooney, he’s about to direct a Liberace biopic before retiring to focus on his painting and he’s REALLY bald. Any guesses? It is of course Steven Soderbergh, and if you’re planning to see Contagion you’d better get involved with our Cheat Sheet…

Either your entire family was recently captured by Somali pirates whilst on a pleasure cruise and you were forced to watch each of them being systematically tortured in an attempt to get you to release the codes for the Swiss bank vault containing the family fortune, or Abduction will be the worst thing you’ve seen this year. It’s as simple as that, really.

Why aren’t films of video games ever good? Because the boys in the back room are adapting the wrong goshdarned games, that’s why! We’ve consumed eighty-six thousand Doritos and worn out nine pairs of tracksuit bottoms doing the research for this list: the definitive top 10 games that must be brought to the silver screen.

Holy Ryan Reynold’s nipples, Batman! The lean years are over at Best For Film Towers, and a fresh new flock of happy thought-scribblers have gambolled through the high gates and settled themselves in the courtyard. They’re the highlight of this week – apart, that is, from the statistically inevitable delight of ANOTHER WEDNESDAY!