Because there’s nothing less attractive to a wet-lipped young maiden than a tattooed, pierced, bad-ass motorcycle demon with a past so tortured he like, can’t even talk about it (until he does). I always wondered what Beauty and the Beast would be like if, instead of good, it was like, really, really awful. Now I know.

In a week simply splattered with bank holidays, today’s Wednesday is cunningly dressed as a dapper wee Thursday, complete with seductive near-weekend properties and an air of spontaneous, carefree mischief. BUT WE ARE NOT FOOLED. Wednesday is what you are sir, and as such you will let us in the cinema for cheap, YOU HEAR?

Oh my shit, it’s April! And it’s brought along not only Fools’ Days, sweet spring showers and the prospect of some chinless wonder marrying a Sloane, but also a batch of fresh and steaming new films – some promising, others less so. Stick around as we sift through this month’s cinematic offerings week by week and separate the fresh fish (FRESH FISH, Glen Coco!) from the distinctly murky tuna salad…

Neatly bridging the gap between this year’s glut of sci-fi films and the ongoing demand for unusual teenagers who, like, can’t fit in because they’re vampires (or werewolves or gay or whatever else), I Am Number Four will certainly be popular. Michael Bay should be crucified for ruining yet another film with his stupid flashing lights, but who cares when there’s a hunky alien loose?

‘Nevermore’, cried Poe’s raven. Something of a film critic, he was talking of the glut of vampire films in 2010. Will our grumpy naysayer feel the same way the same of upcoming superhero films this year? You decide. We cherry-pick 10 superhero films to see in 2011…

It’s Alex Rider! His hands are glowing!

Are you wondering what to do with your spare time? Do you sit around the house, saddened by the prospect of having no idea what films to see? Are you tired of me asking you questions? Then fear no more because here are the top 20 films to see at the cinema in 2011! Film 2012 round-up also available now!

The premise of Magic Mike‘s is already attractive enough, as a film unapologetically tailored to the difficult-to-please female gaze. Cue our surprise when it outed itself as a skinfest with smarts. Beautiful production, gorgeous attention to detail and an interesting picture of the clash between reality and fantasy come together to make Channing Tatum less the butt of ‘dumb jock’ jokes and more just a very fine butt.

The great stones of BFF towers are looking sparse and sad today, mainly because resident guard-human Magda is nowhere to be found (she’s a danger to herself and others when she’s roused), and John’s chair keeps collapsing annoyingly/hilariously. Still, tis Orange Wednesday dammit, and the power of two for one MUST BE RESPECTED.