The long-awaited Spider-Man reboot is to be called The Amazing Spider-Man, in an homage to the web-squirting hero’s first solo outing in 1963. We’ve still got well over a year..

Two households, both alike in dignity/ In fair Verona, where we lay our scene/ From ancient grudge break to new mutiny/ Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean/ From forth the fatal loins of these two foes/ A pair of star-cross’d GNOMES IT’S ALL BLOODY GNOMES AAARGH.

Here we all are again. It’s easily done – you think you can just say no next week, busy yourself on IMDb and forget the mash-up… but everyone comes crawling back.

You know, the mental one from Inception.

Sinbad and the Minotaur is an Australian film about a mythical Arab wading into Greek legend, and it treats both cultures about as respectfully as you’d expect from a country which used to forcibly rehome Aboriginal children. Under no circumstances whatsoever should you watch it.

And it looks AMAZING.

EXTRA! Law catches up with thieving actress!

Now she’s stealing necklaces. Maybe next month she’ll commit manslaughter, what d’you reckon?

Martin Freeman has not yet killed a man! (Details inside)

Look, I’m not going to waste your time or mine with so-called ‘words’; we both know what you’re here for. Proceed downwards, young one, and gorge yourself on mash-up.