After being lied to by a horoscope and having the stereotypical birthday from Hell, a young man sets out to prove that astrology is a bunch of bullshit. Tracking down the three people born closest to him in terms of time and location, he finds out he got more than he bargained for and learns some valuable life lessons. Hooray!

There are some people in this world who really love puppies; little girls, mostly, or pre-teens, or middle-aged folks with not a lot else to fill their days. This film is their Holy Grail. It’s as if the Cutest Puppies Of 2011 calendar they have hanging in their bedroom has come to life on screen and, not unexpectedly, it’s annoyingly adorable…

This documentary following the annual World’s Ugliest Dog Contest is sweet, funny and at times, very poignant. PLUS LOOK AT ALL THE FUNNY DOGGIES. They’re so ugly and cute at the same time it blows my mind. Apart from that one with the red eye. That is one terrifying red eye right there.

WARNING: do not watch this film near children, your parents, or vulnerable dogs. Or in an office surrounded by people with eyes. Or alone in a dark room. It’s rapey and also a bit just like porn at times. And there’s a crossbow! And more rape. Just maybe avoid it altogether if you’re not a fan of the things I just said.

What is it with low budget debuts and terrible bloody titles? Unfortunately, unlike the surprisingly good A Spanking In Paradise, Pinching Penny shows promise but is crippled by its own adolescence.

Oh hi, Tarsem Singh. Ever heard of Icarus? Yeah, he was the son of Daedalus, escaped from Crete with wings made of wax, all that. Dead? Yeah, he’s dead – flew too close to the sun, arrogant little tit. Hubristic? Yeah, I suppose he was – still, at least he didn’t have the gall to make Immortals. Did he, Tarsem Singh? DID HE?

Do you like machine guns? Do you like Jesus? Then you’ll love Machine Gu- oh, wait. That might not actually be enough to close the deal. Let’s try again: do you like the flagrant deification of bikers with hearts of gold? Do you like Gerard Butler being utterly dull as usual? Do you like the White Messiah fable? Then you’ll love Machine Gun Preacher! That’s more like it.

Daniel Craig goes all Doctor Doolittle in this fun little documentary that tries to convince us that, deep down,we’re not so different from the animals. Actually, as it turns out,that only applies to Daniel Craig.

What would happen if the creators of Catfish, Doctor Who and Saw all got together, downed a few pints and then decided to make a film? Why, you’d get Panic Button of course!

A lovely lady and her video camera go round the streets of LA and follow the lives of a half dozen homeless across the course of a few years. Hilarity ensues. Wait, it doesn’t? Oh, you mean it’s actually quite depressing? Also a bit uplifting? Well, that sounds worth a watch.