Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg both give admirably miserable performances in Melancholia; a shoe-in for Film Most Likely To Make You Top Yourself 2011. Bleak, beautiful, and oh so very Von Trier, Melancholia offers an alternative to your run of the mill blast-tastic apocalypse – it turns out there’s going to be a lot of horses lying down.

Two American girls become separated on a biking trip through the remote backroads of rural Argentina. Cue cautionary tale slathered with a healthy ol’ dose of girl-on-girl gore? Not quite. Beyond an opening scene vaguely suggestive of electrocution, and a (more tortuous) rendition of the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ this is, by no means, the material from which to get one’s bloodlusty jollies.

Dance theatre is not a dirty word. Even if you normally find the idea of a film that contains almost nothing but dance to be the purest form of hell, the sheer quality of the dancing on display in Pina – and the immaculate way in which it’s presented – make it difficult to resist.

Ralph Fiennes’ directorial debut takes on one of the darkest and most violent of Shakespeare’s tragedies with gorily glorious results. Combining a talented and varied central cast with an intelligently updated script which transports the play to the war-torn present day, Coriolanus is Shakespeare for the Call of Duty generation.

The muscle babes of Die Hard and G-Unit come in Setup, a painfully predictable action thriller. With plenty of guns, a bald mob boss or two, a handful of heavily clichéd Russians, a thirst for vengeance and the odd sexy lying bitch, there really isn’t anything original to this diamond heist gone wrong. Except for Fiddy Cent in a role where he takes no prisoners. Oh wait…

Your mobile phone is great for many reasons It keeps you amused with a flock of angry birds, allows you to feign conversation when that weirdo on the tube won’t stop yelling… and may be helping fund wars in Africa. Most of you have probably stumbled across the term ‘blood diamond’ before, but have you heard of ‘blood minerals’? And did you know that not a single mobile phone manufacturer can guarantee that the phones they sell are free from blood minerals? We thought not.

Kingdom of Gladiators tells the story of a king who makes a pact with a demon, and then has a gladiator tournament, and these two things are somehow connected. Steer clear if you can, this tits-and-hits action film offers a very poor show of both the former and the latter.

It sounds like it’s going to be the cheesiest film in the world, doesn’t it? “When you come back from a loss, beat the odds, and never say never, you find a champion.” Yiesh, could they lay it on any thicker? If you wade through the Hollywood clichés, you’ll find the true story of a teen amputee who followed her dreams to become a champion surfer. But there’s a LOT of wading…

The innocence of summer and the harsh reality of growing up come to a head in French drama Tomboy, which explores the concepts of gender and growing up thoughtfully and with a Céline Sciamma’s light directorial touches.

Will Ferrell wants to make it clear that he’s not just a comedy actor. Don’t worry Will, by the end of the excruciatingly dull Everything Must Go, I felt like I’d never laugh again.