Madonna’s ‘directorial debut’ (which is actually nothing of the sort, it’s just that her last film was so shit she’s pretending it doesn’t exist) is such a flagrant exercise in cinematic wish-fulfilment that it’s almost not worth pointing out. Contemporary American material girl in an unhappy marriage looks to the most glamorous woman in the world and her controversial transformation into the star of the English gentry? W.E. is unforgivable.

Rage is one of the best indie horror flicks we’ve seen in a long while. Drawing on Hitchcockian techniques, Witherspoon manages to transform an everyday occurrence into a terrifyingly realistic psychological thriller, keeping the suspense-fuelled mystery turned right up until the very end….

As I understand it, there’s a genre of young adult dystopian fiction which sees teenagers or children dealing with issues and stuff in post-apocalyptic or distressing settings of some description. The ‘Tomorrow’ series, by Australian author John Marsden, is one example. Tomorrow, When The War Began is the first in this series, and it’s now a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE. Or a quietly released DVD.

Oliver Reed is the best thing in this historical adventure from the Hammer studios, out-acting everyone else on screen by a mile. Aside from his performance, though, this film lacks the vigour and excitement of a good historical epic, and isn’t exaggerated enough to be fun as a bawdy period romp.

This film from Billy Clift exploring the issue of gay marriage loosely resembles The 40 Year Old Virgin. But where the latter succeeded in being funny, romantic AND true to life, I Want to Get Married is so confused, awkwardly directed and – at times – really quite hard to follow, that the story at its heart gets lost. Also, the main guy’s face. What is that about.

A bunch of people have drama that sometimes relates to other drama other people are having in this feature-length soap opera about celebrity, the media and… drama. But on the plus side, some people shoot and stab each other at the end.

This is, without doubt, the gnarliest film that has ever been put together. Follow the story of Larry Linkogle, one of the founders of freestyle motocross, as he achieves legendary status and battles his inner demons, all the the melodic mumble of Motorhead frontman Lemmy’s absolutely amazing narration.

After being lied to by a horoscope and having the stereotypical birthday from Hell, a young man sets out to prove that astrology is a bunch of bullshit. Tracking down the three people born closest to him in terms of time and location, he finds out he got more than he bargained for and learns some valuable life lessons. Hooray!

So Bella and Edward are finally getting hitched (SCREAM!). Just you wait, guys! ZOMGGGG. When you see her dress you are going to lose it! The wedding is TO DIE FOR. And don’t even get me started on the HONEYMOON!!!! Seriously though, this is a terrible film.

There are some people in this world who really love puppies; little girls, mostly, or pre-teens, or middle-aged folks with not a lot else to fill their days. This film is their Holy Grail. It’s as if the Cutest Puppies Of 2011 calendar they have hanging in their bedroom has come to life on screen and, not unexpectedly, it’s annoyingly adorable…