First released fourteen whole years ago, Australian country music drama Doing Time for Patsy Cline is an aspirational story which, in all probability, won’t make you aspire to very much except maybe possessing a thorough knowledge of quantum physics so you can build a time machine and make sure it stays in 1997. That.

A lo-fi gross-out horror without charm, wit or scares, Eaters: Rise Of The Dead does at least achieve one accolade: making partaking in a Nazi-zombie invasion seem preferable to watching a lo-fi gross out horror without charm, wit or scares.

Michael Bay’s Transformers franchise is like marmite: you either love it, or hate it. Admiration for these films may or may not come from being an ultimate sci-fi geek, but one thing’s for sure Transformers: Dark of the Moon sure does know how to get your various lubricative juices flowing (a mechanical pun in case you wondered. Wash out your crude minds!)

Much more exciting than The Princess of Montpensier but somewhat less digestible than The Tudors, Henry of Navarre is another one of those films where men charge around on horseback/wave swords/wave swords from horseback and women take their clothes off more than is strictly necessary. If that’s your bag, it’s pretty darn fine.

Five strangers wake up in a mysterious room, with just a ticking clock and enough water to survive for 30 days. It may sound like another Saw rip-off, but despite its flaws Hunger is an unexpected treat.

Centring on an underwater cave exploration gone wrong, Sanctum mixes real-life events of writer Andrew Wight with the words “EXECUTIVE PRODUCED BY JAMES CAMERON”. It’s not quite The Descent, it’s not quite The Abyss, it’s not quite worth the money you’d pay for it.

DISCLAIMER: This film is A Film About Animals on Farms. If you’re a young girl, and you still think being a vet involves magically making animals better all the time, you’ll love it (and I hope your parents are strictly monitoring your internet use). Everyone else: avoid All Roads Lead Home. Avoid it like it’s a sow coughing loudly circa 2009.

Ghosted is another reliable, by-the-numbers and relatively unmemorable British prison drama. Why do we keep making them? Presumably because people lap them up – and if prison-drama-up-lapping is your bag, this’ll do you just fine.

A straight-to-DVD prize, where perinatal horror and unnaturally large nipples eclipse murder, paranoia and preternatural possession into insignificant mundanity. There’s little else to say, really, except to ask if we really needed another reason to fear the gory joys of pregnancy?

Whatever Happened to Pete Blaggit? is a sci-fi comedy about weddings, zombies and rape – and, should another film ever slot into that very specific sub-sub-subgenre, we guarantee it will be better than this incoherent and nonsensical tripe.