5 Reasons Why James Bond Is A Chump
With casting rumours already doing the rounds for the inevitable James Bond 23 (will this be the last Bond film to star Dame Judi Dench? Will Rachel Weisz play the villain?), now seems as good a time as any to take a closer a look at this character, this British institution: James Bond 007.
James Bond, agent of Her Majesty’s Secret Service, is a hero and inspirational figure, right? Wrong! If he was real, James Bond would be the worst human being who ever lived; Adolf Hitler had more moral fibre than this womanising drunk. With James Bond Ian Fleming created a monster, not an icon, and here’s why:
5 reasons why James Bond is a bit of a chump:
1. He drives too fast in unsuitable places
Bond is known for his love of Martini, fast women and fast cars. If you or I drove a motorbike through a highly-populated Chinese market like Bond did in Tomorrow Never Dies, we’d end up in prison for the rest of our lives, but Bond isn’t a normal person. MI6 may have given Bond a licence to kill, but they should seriously consider taking away his licence to drive – the man is a menace.
Bond doesn’t limit his reckless driving to cars and motorbikes though. Take Goldeneye (1995) for instance. In this film 007 drives a tank – a bloody tank! – through the middle of St. Petersburg. St Petersburg is a city that has seen much suffering throughout its history, but the final insult came when Britain’s top secret agent obliterated its famous Bronze Horseman statue by driving into it in his stolen T-55. How many points would that get you on your licence?
2. He makes inappropriate jokes during sex
Women like a man with a sense of humour. What they don’t like is a man who makes godawful puns while – yes, while – he’s having sex with them. It’s very off-putting. Dr Christmas Jones (Denise Richards) was a nuclear physicist James Bond met at Kazakhstan missile base in The World is Not Enough. After saving the world once again, Bond took the young Dr Jones to the bedroom and they… well you can probably guess; this is Bond we’re talking about. So far so good. Consensual sex between two adults is a perfectly normal activity. What wasn’t so normal was what happened next. “I thought Christmas only came once a year!” jokes Bond, in a low point for both the Bond franchise and humanity in general.
3. He makes inappropriate jokes after killing people
Another unsuitable time to make a joke is after you’ve killed someone. Yes, the person you’ve killed may have been a bad guy, they may have done some wicked things, but try and have some respect. In Goldfinger (1964) Bond ends a fight with a henchman by throwing him into a bathtub along with an electric heater, frying the poor man alive. “Shocking,” smirks Bond, “positively shocking!”
These are the actions of a psychopath. James Bond is mentally unhinged and should not be allowed out on the street, let alone allowed to operate as a member of a government spy agency.
4. He’s constantly breaking up long-term relationships
As anyone who’s married or with a long-term partner will tell you, keeping a relationship going for that length of time requires a lot of hard work. What doesn’t help is the United Kingdom’s premier secret agent coming along and knobbling your wife. Bond seems to care very little for the sanctity of marriage. Fair enough his own wedding ended very badly (his wife was killed by a German woman in a drive-by shooting – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, 1969) but stop taking it out on the rest of us, 007!
In Casino Royale (2006) Bond seduces Solange, the wife of bad dude Alex Dimitrios, and convinces her to divulge top secret information about her husband. Dimitrios later finds out about the affair and has her killed. Bond is, naturally, a bit upset – but hang on Bond, this has happened to you before! Don’t you remember in Tomorrow Never Dies when you got off with Paris Carver (Desperate Housewives’ Teri Hatcher) and her husband had her killed as well? No? What do you mean that was a different Bond? How many of you are there?!
5. He’s obsessed with his sexual organs
Everyone knows James Bond is obsessed with sex, but does he really have to keep alluding to the size and potency of his manhood? Come on James, you’re putting us off our Christmas dinner. Granny just fainted into the trifle.
“You’re one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen,” says Bond, chancing his arm in From Russia With Love (1963) with the lovely Tatiana. “Thank you,” she replies, “but I think my mouth is too big”. “No, it’s the right size,” Bonds says, “for me that is”. Yes 007, we get the idea.
In A View to a Kill (1985) Bond meets the horse trainer Jenny Flex (who comes up with these names?). “Well my dear,” says Bond, “I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle?”. “Yes, I love an early morning ride,” replies Miss Flex, giving Bond the opening of a lifetime. “Well, I’m an early riser myself,” he jokes. Ha bloody ha.
The James Bond films are enjoyed by millions around the world, but is this a good thing? James Bond is a dangerous sociopath who’d more than likely have sex with your girlfriend/wife/mother/daughter/pet at a moments notice. He’s killed more people than obesity, chicken bones and coconuts combined… but still we can’t help but love him. James Bond may be a chump, but he’s our chump. Most British characters in films are either useless dweebs or villains, but Bond manages to be cool. He always saves the day and gets the girl, and has a blast while doing it. Admittedly he kills a lot of people, but he’s working for Queen and Country dammit!
So if you see Commander Bond on the street, shake him by the hand. Just don’t introduce him to your girlfriend…