Do you remember when the world found out about Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones? Yeah, us too. What a day that was. Did you also rush home, weep into the mirror and try and draw on wrinkles with a ballpoint until your shaking hands caused the nib to puncture your skin and you got rushed to A&E? Yeah. Us neither…

The point is, we all know that couple; the one that no-one has any idea about how or why they ended up together. (Seriously, do you reckon Michael keeps her family hostage in a cave somewhere? We reckon he probably keeps her family hostage in a cave somewhere.) But hey, this is life. Life- contrary to the opinion of a lot of CocaCola adverts- doesn’t always make perfect and musical sense. We accept these baffling couples as just another quirk of living in the real world:

“Yeah, she’s a blind flute instructor from Madrid. He’s a deaf magician. Apparently he gives her a lot of flowers, or something.”

But what really gets us is when a Hollywood creation gives us this same feeling of bafflement. When entering the soothing bath of the film world, why is it that the rubber ducky of romance can so often turn into a water snake of anger and confusion? When passionate romance can actually be perfectly constructed on-screen, separate from the horrors of the real world, why does Hollywood insist on making so many of them feel utterly wrong? We’ve made a list of the strangest and most anger-inducing couples from screen history, in order to try and fix these terrible blunders. After all, if people who don’t really exist can’t get it right, what chance do we have?

The Couple: Danny and Sandy, Grease

What We’re Supposed To Think:

Thank goodness these two have put aside their differences for love!  Look! The dancing! Colours are happening everywhere! And now a car is flying! For no reason at all! All through the power of love! A whop bog a hoopla a what barn who?

What We Actually Think:

Clearly when this film was made, it was meant to be a harrowing docu-film about the lengths young girls go to in order to fit in. Sadly, rather than being heralded as the shocking exposé it was, people got caught up rather inconveniently with all the singing and dancing. Typical. Sandy goes from being a good girl with a future in…well…probably real estate or something, to being a rebel who drinks, smokes and will suffer extensive muscle damage from the tightness of her trousers. Still, she bagged herself a man, so what else matters eh? 

The Couple: Josh and Susan, Big

What We’re Supposed To Think:

A trampoline- the universal language of love! See, all women want is to let go, to have a little fun, and be with someone who lets their innocent charms shine through. Who can blame her? Hey, bunk beds! Brilliant!

What We Actually Think:

Ok look, you can say what you like, but that woman was doing the under-cover conga with a child. OK, OK, it was a child in a man costume, but what difference does that make? If we accidently had downstairs partytime with a wolf dressed as Jessica Alba, would the world be kind? We don’t think so.

The Couple: Will and Joceyln, A Knight’s Tale

What We’re Supposed To Think:

Oh ho ho, yes she’s being an utter helltroll by forcing the poor boy to win, then lose, then win again, then learn a complex system of flag signalling, then dance about, then commit suicide, then come back to life again with a delicious flan, but she’s got to be worth it, right? After all, she’s sitting on a very fancy seat.   

What We Actually Think:

Alright, alright, we admit this film is a bit of a random choice, but the reason it’s made it into this list is because of the amazing way it manages to present us with the perfect scenario, then veers drastically away from it for apparently no reason at all. We refer, of course, to Heath’s lack of entanglement with the awesome and far hotter blacksmith girl Kate, played by Laura Fraser. Not only is she one of the lads, but she is actually bloody useful and a lot less of a heinous cow than that stuck up queenie type. Amazing armour and a romp in the hay bales, or a dance with lots of different coloured scarves. Which would you pick?

The Couple: Nicholas Cage and Anyone He’s Ever Been In a Film With

What We’re Supposed To Think:

Oh, *insert character name* deserves her because of his beautiful heart/soul/bravery/the fact that he’s dead (delete as appropriate)

What We Actually Think:

This man’s face is what the inside of a black hole looks like. That’s just science. There’s no arguing with science.     

The Couple: Beauty and The Beast

What We’re Supposed To Think

Sigh, finally, after learning the lesson of loving someone for who they really are, Belle is rewarded with the prince she deserves! It’s a lesson for all of us, if we love enough, anyone can be beautiful. It’s what’s inside that counts, after all. 

What We Actually Think

It’s a bloody good job she’s just learnt that lesson, as she’s now stuck with someone who looks like a gay ice-dancer.

The Couple: Kermit and Miss Piggy

What We’re Supposed To Think:

Oh you two! The inter-species sexual-tension in here could be cut with a knife. Will they, won’t they- of course they bloody will! Bless you both. Bless you.

What We Actually Think:

Piggy, it’s time to get a grip. He doesn’t want you. Have you ever seen the face he pulls when you’re not looking? It’s not a good face, Piggy. You deserve more than that. You deserve to be with someone who loves you enough to stay with you for more than one film at a time. And besides, remember A Muppet’s Christmas Carol? Even when you do have kids, they’re likely to have a deformity of some kind. It’s just not natural, OK? Poor tiny Tim. A harrowing warning to anyone thinking about messing with genetics.

The Couple: Jessica and Roger Rabbit

What We’re Supposed To Think:

If you can make a woman laugh, you’re golden. Love has no barriers my friend, none at all.

What We Actually Think:

Dear God. Surely they don’t… you know…do they?

So come on, Hollywood. You wanna talk about relationships, well, let’s talk about ours, eh? We come to you as simple folk, wishing for respite from the daily bafflement of life, and this is what you shove in our faces. Either tell it like it is, or tell it like we want it. If we have to pay to see Nicholas Cage pretend he’s had sex one more time, it’s over between us. I’m sorry, but that’s it. Unless of course you transform into a dopey and lisping cartoon rabbit. In which case, hey, we’re only human.