Cheat Sheet: Zac Efron
What you probably already know:
Come now, don’t lie to us. We too saw High School Musical, and we too liked it in a way that made us feel unclean for weeks. Fresh-faced and setting girlish libido alight like an oestrogen-powered blowtorch, Zac Efron sprung into our consciousness, hitting up the market on manbangs when Justin Bieber was still in nappies. High School Musical remains the most successful Disney Channel Original Movie of all time; no one has quite managed to tot up just how much money our hyper-highlighted boy wonder made the Mouse House, but it definitely comes in at over $1billion.
That’s a serious chunk of change even for Hollywood, and it came with a serious chunk of fame. Understandably, in the immediate years after High School Musical and its actually superior spawn wrapped, Efron was pretty conservative in his next projects; he remained in high school in the actually rather charming rom-com 17 Again opposite Matthew Perry and Lesley Mann, played a lovesick youth in Me and Orson Welles and kept the tunez coming in colourful Broadway romp Hairspray.
After that, he decided to get all serious business on us, having reached that phase that all ex-Disneyites tend to do, and started taking his clothes off for attention – round of applause for equal opportunities objectification! And to his credit, people looked. Fortunately, his girlfriend from 2006-2010, co-star Vanessa Hudgens, went ahead and showed him how not to do it, with not just one, but two different sets of starkers pictures of her ladybits making the internet rounds. Instead, he gained 30lbs of muscle to play a wholly bangable Marine in Notebook-esque Nicholas Sparks film The Lucky One, emulating a move that worked out perfectly well for this one ex-Mouseketeer, shit, what’s his name – he’s not that big of a deal…oh yes, Ryan Gosling.
Now, he just seems to have accepted his face fate, and settled on inconsistency; latest projects include Lee Daniels’ The Paperboy, where he plays Matthew McConaughey’s younger brother, who is trying to get John Cusack off Death Row – we hear Nicole Kidman pisses on his leg in it. He’s also the voice of Ted in newest kiddie blockbuster The Lorax.
At least he’s pretty. So very pretty.
What you might not know:
WELL. Contrary to what most Disney stars would like you to believe, not only is the Zefron doing this thing sometimes that we think is called sex, BUT he appears to be rather proficient at it! Growing up like a boss, Zac was recently on American chat show Jimmy Kimmel Live, having acquired quite the reputation for winning that age-old Cold War between the heterosexual male and the female brassiere. Look upon him and weep, gents.
Exhibit A (2:36 is where the goodies are at):
Exhibit B of Zac’s new identity as sexual napalm only appropriate for Disney After Dark came to light at the US premiere of The Lorax a couple of months ago. Whilst he was signing autographs for tiny innocent children, he wantonly yanked his hand from his pocket and threw a condom all over the place like some sort of abnormally-chiseled sex fiend. Mothers wept with joy, twelve-year-olds recoiled and hey presto, it’s now not a prison-worthy offence to want to hit that.
Often hailed as a triple threat, Efron will generally be the first to admit that he is nothing of the sort; he’s kind of only a single threat. Just a regular, run-of-the-mill, Taken-style threat, not like Bin Laden or your mother. He has copped to not actually doing the singing in the first High School Musical film (reasons varied, from “can’t actually sing” to “only have attention span to learn one thing at a time, and the basketball was more butch”), and his slowness to pick up a dance routine is apparently nigh-on legendary. Honestly, we beg to differ; talent is overrated when you look this good doing it, isn’t that right, Zac?
Alright, no need to get shirty. In fact, feel free to remove it.
Zac Efron quote:
“I like my women like I like my peanut butter: chunky.”…Excuse us, we’re going to need a moment. Just leave the spoon in the peanut butter, there’s a love.
What to say at a dinner party:
“Cheekbones? What cheekbones? Dreamy eyes? Like soulless pools of rheumy porridge, I say! Finely honed bottom? Maybe for Jennifer Lopez after the festive season! For lo and behold – Mr. Zachary Efron is no mere pretty face, no benignly beautiful chit, no silky-locked bra-maestro! He is that conspicuous rarity, that diamond in the rough, that lone hope in Pandora’s box of tempting evils like Alex Pettyfer – a serious actor! BRAVO, young man – go forth, win Oscars! Let us host a ceremonial burning of all your “Choice Hottie” Teen Choice Awards!”
What not to say at a dinner party:
“Oh, but sweetheart, what d’you need to talk for with a face like that?”
Why isn’t Zac Efron a bigger deal? We’re torn. It might be because he’s too classically pretty to get the roles he wants – he really does have the sort of face one can’t do very much about. It might also be his pretty low Hollywood profile – when you’re his age, the best way to get famous is to get drunk, naked or both. However, he seems like far too cool a dude for that – if his career goes in the shitter, we will quite happily take him out and get him pissed; not only would he be a laugh, but the sheer volume of talent he’d attract while out on Pussy Patrol would make even L’il Wayne’s balls ache.