Friday Drinking Game #13 – Jurassic Park

Dino-caper Jurassic Park is a masterpiece, perfect for a drinking game. So forget about your troubles and focus on life at the bottom of a bottle of 100% proof spirits. Velociraptors and amber walking canes couldn’t be further from boozing down the pub, and that is entirely the logic behind our merging of these concepts to form a hideous dino-drinking frenzy. Put your feet up, strap yourself in a yellow jeep and prepare for oblivion.

Take one sip when…

You see a dinosaur. Yes, any dinosaur. Yes, one sip per dinosaur. This is a drinking game about dinosaurs people, there are rules. Extra kudos for naming the dinosaurs, but you’ll not have time with all the dino-spotting/drink-downing you’ll be doing.

You see a small annoying child. Unfortunately they are on the screen all the time, but don’t fret, you’ll be floating in a state of liquid bliss by the time the little darlings are getting electrocuted.

Jeff Goldblum says something snarky. Dr Ian Malcolm is not cool in the slightest, but somehow he manages to be less geeky than the Sam Neill/Laura Dern khaki-shorted-combo. Enjoy such pearls of wisdom as:

Dr Ian Malcolm: “Eventually, you do plan to have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour, right?”

Dr Alan Grant: “You married?”
Dr Ian Malcolm: “Occasionally”

Take another sip when he starts discussing Chaos theory and a further two sips if he feels the urge to take his shirt off.

Take two sips when…

Something goes wrong with the yellow jeeps. You know it’s only going to lead to trouble and it will numb the pain of the realisation that Jurassic Park is being run by a bunch of incompetents who make The Apprentice contestants looks like mini-Einsteins.

You hear or see the T-Rex. You’ll need to take the edge off the sight of the still-very-frightening T-Rex. Take another sip instead of shouting “Stop waving that laser pointer around you morons!” at the screen because THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Death By Dinosaur occurs. In the gaping jaws of prehistoric nasties really is the only way to go my friends.

Down the lot when…

You suddenly remember that Samuel L Jackson is in this movie. You’ll need every drink imaginable to deal with the shock. He’s no m***er-f***er, he’s an exceptionally mundane white-coated scientist. Definitely warrants a boozeathon.

This happens. Did you forget to say the magic word? Naughty, naughty, down everyone’s drinks NOW!

At last the dino-chase is ON. Run little children run, we take it back, you shouldn’t be mauled to death by some clever raptors, this film is only a PG!

You finally see a helicopter. Because that means it’s nearly over! When that helicopter comes and Santa Claus Richard Attenborough leads our adventurers to safety, you can relax and marvel at that gorgeous final shot of the T Rex crowing as the banner comes down….and collapse.

Well done, you’ve finished. Does it feel like 65 million years have passed? What, you’re not done? Right, go and try to drink your way through Jurassic Park 2 and 3. Remember it’s your liver (and eyes, they’re both not nearly as good). You’ll be thankful that dinosaurs aren’t running around knocking over your drinks, safe in the knowledge that tomorrow you’ll feel like they’ve been stampeding on your head. Enjoy!

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