Chances are, by the end of the day you’ll have seen Immortals because nobody listens to me anyway. If you do, you’ll need a drink. If you’ve seen it already, you definitely need a drink. If you live in a world where Tarsem Singh is allowed to charge around wasting everyone’s time with such abject shite, you should probably have a drink on principle.

Shall we have a drink? Good. Pop on your favourite colossal historical epic (apparently you’re not allowed to call them ‘sword and sandal films’ any more) and pick up an amphora!

Take one sip (sandy war films):

Whenever someone does something inauthentic with a weapon. You know that spear you’re holding, mate? It clearly weighs about four stones, and it’s less aerodynamic than Oliver Reed. I don’t care if your dad’s Zeus, you couldn’t throw it five metres.

In fact, whenever anyone fights like a mental. The fight choreographer’s brief in Troy was ‘Achilles fights in a godlike manner’. In all that armour? In the desert? In Greece? Standing up without having a stroke qualifies as ‘Godlike’ – just shoot them, for Ares’ sake.

Whenever the CGI army/co-opted Turkish Army extras threaten to burn out your TV. Hordes of heavily armed men running at each other are so not what Armistice Day is about. It’s about duels between gleaming Greeks, whilst everyone else shares a fag and some retsina. Get it right.

Take two sips (classic Hollywood nonsense):

Whenever anyone wears tinfoil armour. Have you clocked the Romans in Ben Hur? They look like they’ve made budget Cyberman costumes for Hallowe’en out of whatever they could find at Poundland.

Whenever the old ‘rough and ready American man versus refined British bastard’ vocal clichés are rolled out. Look at this clip from The 300 Spartans – it’s like a costume party on the Death Star mid-Rebellion (plus there’s a bonus at the end and it’s FASSBENDER-SHAPED):

Whenever the massed forces of any given army spend days marching through the arid wastes and are still pretty much gleaming at the end of it. One simply mustn’t go into battle looking scruffy – whatever would Johnny Foreigner make of it?

Take three sips (fantasy adventure):

Whenever a mystical weapon happens. The Epirus Bow? Check. The Dagger of Whatever? Check. Gerard Butler’s right foot? Check.

Whenever a brilliant actor takes a ‘massive royal bastard’ role for the megaLOLZ. Brian Cox? Check. Brendan Gleeson? Check. BEN KINGSLEY? Dude, what the fuck? Check.

Whenever a CGI monster makes you spill your drink. If you’ve spilt it all, lick it off your trousers. LICK IT. Or the Cyclops will stalk and kill you like a dog in a cellar.

KICK IT YOU SPARTAN:

Whenever abs happen. Abs razed Troy, sacked Rome and pillaged Jerusalem. Abs put paid to Xerxes, Hyperion and Agamemnon. Abs look really good when they’re a bit sweaty and there’s a relatively harsh light from all the sand and gleaming metal, which is convenient. Abs BRING THE FUCKING PAIN.

Get drinking, for TONIGHT WE DINE IN CHICKEN COTTAGE!