Friday Drinking Game #47 – Home Alone

Take One Sip – The Set-up

If you start murmuring ‘This is Hallowe’en, this is Hallowe’en’ during the theme tune
Has John Williams made any official attempts to sue Danny Elfman into the ground? Also, Catherine O’Hara is in both films; I’ve heard worse excuses to drink.

Whenever the McAllisters’ parental neglect is a bit more insidious
Hang on, your daughter tripped on Kevin’s toys and “almost broke her neck”? Well, aren’t you going to – oh yeah sure, keep packing, whatever. As long as you don’t book yourself seats in first class while your kids all sit in coach ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

Whenever Kevin’s scream has clearly broken the microphone
He sounds like someone lighting a crow on fire.

During the one break with realism
There’s a cackling, snarling stove seemingly capable of independent thought. Maybe we’re seeing this scene from inside Kevin’s head, but if we buy that then what can we really believe? Are Harry and Marv real? Is he really home alone? IS THIS EVEN HIS HOME? Is this all really just the fever dream of a supreme being made entirely of light? Pfft, probably.

When Harry and Marv seem a little TOO excited about toys…
…especially considering their presumably weak resale value. But there’s the way Marv lights up when he says ‘Toys!’, and I swear Harry’s tongue is lolling out when he’s playing with that kaleidoscope. I’m not saying that Marv and Harry will later try to fuck these toys, but that IS exactly what I’m saying.

When you suddenly remember that John Candy is in this film
And he’s a polka musician! Look at him, doing his thing he does. Good lord, he was exceptionally fat at this point.

Whenever someone says ‘home alone’
Which is absolutely loads, BUT…

Finish your drink when Joe Pesci leans into “He’s HOME ALONE!” way, WAY too heavily
Nice Oscar, clown.

Take Two Sips – Thinking Outside the Box

When you realise that no-one gets hit in the head by anything ‘til the last half hour
But.. that’s the whole film, right? Isn’t that what we all remember this thing for? Nah mate, there’s a whole lot of Home before we got to the.. erm.. slapstick.

With relief, when you have the following thoughts
This film, if made today, would just be Kevin doing a series of wild ‘n crazy things that he couldn’t do if his parents were around. Instead, some clever clogs hit upon the genius idea of remaking Assault on Precinct 13, but with a cute kid and a pull-cord tied to an iron. It was one focus group away from being another TV movie of the week, but instead it made Chris Columbus’ career and turned a ten year old boy into the biggest movie star on the planet.

When you make an uneasy connection
A franchise that labours under the pretention of being a genre piece, when really it’s an excuse to satiate the audience’s desire for ever more convoluted and grandiose means to inflict pain on another human being… hold the phone, THIS IS ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE SAW.

When you discover that Kevin’s arsehole brother Buzz now looks like this:

And is responsible for this:

Take Three Sips – The Grand Finale

During the logical process that leads to this whole sequence
Except don’t, because there isn’t one. It’s nice that we don’t have to hear his thought process out loud, but he really does go from hiding in a church like a little girl to decking out his house with death traps pretty much instantaneously.

Drink whenever Harry or Marv would have blatantly died
We’re all having a good time here, and I’d hate to bring down the party, but Kevin McAllister is a murderous little fuck. Taking into consideration the effect massive trauma to the head or neck often has on a man’s ability to keep being alive, I counted five separate instances (crowbar to head, neck to stairs, iron to face from about ten feet, cans of paint to face TWICE) which should have ended with a ‘OK Marv, let’s go. Marv? Marv? C’mon buddy, get up… Marv? Oh no, oh God, oh no. Marv! MARV! Somebody, somebody ca – MARV!!!’

Note: this is cheating slightly, but one scene in Home Alone 2 absolutely takes the biscuit: repeated bricks to the forehead, from THREE STORIES ABOVE, the first of which appears to make an actual indent. Yikes.

During any spectacular lapses of judgement
Having sussed that all that lies behind this door is a kid with a BB gun, why bother heading for the other entrances? If all of the steps have tar on them, why are you only taking them one at a time? Why would you using a crowbar to hit a spider that’s sitting on your buddy’s chest? C’mon guys, you’re not using your brains.

When you realise the most sympathetic character is actually the spider
Sure, Kevin’s home alone, but who’s supposed to be feeding Buzz’s tarantula? It’s hard to know whether to feel bad or relieved when he’s left free to look for food because his WHOLE HOME HAS BEEN DESTROYED, but after it’s essentially assumed the role of a gun in any action movie (If I could… only… reach… that… spider!) before being hurled onto various angry faces and chests and having crowbars swung at it, it’s hard not to shed a tear. And then, during the final moments, when everyone’s all happy to see each other and shit, does anyone care to ask where he is? Do they fuck.

It’s probably because spiders are fucking gross and weird though.


Upon hearing Marley’s last line

“Come on, let’s get you home.” He is home. This is his home. He’s alone in it. No wonder you’ve got no mates and everyone thinks you’re a serial killer.

Kevin? KEVIN? YOU SPENT $967 ON SPECIAL BREW! Say hi to the guys in Casualty for us.

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