Baz’s take on Gatsby starring Leo DiC will be out soooon! Unfortunately we can’t shove any Gatsby games in, but we’re pretty sure these three Big Baz Beasts will provide sufficient movie cliche’s for you all to get properly sozzled in a matter of minutes. Did someone say absinthe? Don’t be so bloody stupid, you’ll drink Kylie Minogue!

 

Take one sip (Moulin Rouge!):

Every time a modern pop hit blasts out at you from nowhere.
Yes that ridiculous Elephant Love Medley only counts as one, fear not! Though if you’re still going in five minutes you can bow out my friend, you are a champion.

Every time Nicole Kidman involuntarily flinches at Ewan MacGregor’s smile
Down the drink every time she falls over in agony at the horror of his false teeth, pretending that she’s ‘swooning’.

Every time Jim Broadbent steals the scene he’s supposed to be supporting the two idiot leads
Grab the nearest bottle and down it fiercely every time he does that with one of the scenes, then smash it like he does.

 

Take two sips (Romeo + Juliet):

Every time Leonardo DiCaprio changes instantaneously from happiness to utter depression
Move on to some harder stuff every time he kills either himself or someone else.

Every time Clare Danes speaks her lines in a way utterly unsuited to the moment.
Take another two every time you fail to understand why Romeo is after this boring bitch.

Every time Lurhmann unnecessarily cranks up the tempo to super-high camp pitch, even if the characters are discussing the time of the morning.
Are there drag queens on the screen right now? Sorry coz, your ass is grass. It’s Shakespeare, trust me.

 

Take THREE sips (Strictly Ballroom):

Every time the pace speeds up like the film was sped up or something. Don’t worry, you’re probably not as drunk as you think, yet.
Now try to work out if everything is normal again. No? Go on, have another antipodean larger-beer you reprobate!

Every time the Latin strings strike up and all the protagonists act like their country’s just been invaded by aliens.
Are Hispanic people really that uncommon in Australia? Oops, I was forgetting this film is set in the fifties. Take a drink if you did too. Go on, stop pissing around, we’ve got a game on here jimmy!

Every time there is a flashback and everyone is suddenly a sinister mime artist
You’re nearly at the end now. Are your drinking buddies suddenly sinister mime artists? I’m afraid in that case you’ll have to take another little drinkie. You are not a mime artist, do it for real.

 

DOWN IT YOU DANCING QUEEN

Whenever there is a spontaneous jig which becomes a frolic – they cavort and caper and sing and are overjoyed…the room is spinning but you can’t stop, can’t stop, can’t stop that jingly catchy beat oh God yes.
If that’s the kind of mess you make when someone tries to serve you up some light-hearted yet appropriately intense cinematic spectacle then just bugger off and catch some drab period drama and take your wretched Charleston suit with you, you bloody square!

 

Right, if you survived that you should probably find a performing arts course that will take you…see you next week then.