Ray:

Carlotta, we meet again. Watched a Spielberg film since we last locked horns? Thought not. Now I am here to defend the honour of an Australian damsel, an activity I have become quite proficient at over the years, even if I do say so myself. Right, deny (if you can) that Nicole Kidman has been deservedly placed on the Hollywood A-List in her own right since her mesmerizing performance in Moulin Rouge, and bagged an equally deserved Oscar the following year for her heart-breaking portrayal of Virginia Woolf’s nose in The Hours. She is beloved by movie-goers around the world not only for her stellar acting skills (come on, that nose was perfect!), but also for her graceful public demeanour and admired leading lady looks. Come on, what have you got against my beautiful Aussie babe?

Carlotta

Easy. What’s all this nonsense about Nicole Kidman being this breathtaking, beautiful Goddess? Hardly. Not one to deny the good looks of my same sex (Mila Kunis – yes please. Marion Cotillard – anytime), but you’ve got to be kidding yourself if you think Kidman’s a ravishing beauty. She’s just not. She’s one of those types deceptively pretty because she’s got this irritating ‘flirty’ half-smile and raspy voice thing going on… but I won’t mention her nose, one can’t help natural disasters. Moulin Rouge was a hit, yes, but subsequently began a freaking bombardment of Kidman playing these stupid, glamorous, big-time actress roles which I’m SORRY is just plain annoying. Remember that vomit-inducing Chanel 5 advert? Do one. Her unnecessary character role in Nine? Get out. And need I even say anything about the diabolical mess that was The Golden Compass and her ‘look LOOK I am so über elegant and above you all I’m laughing at my dressing table that is a shrine to myself’. Urgh, please.

Ray:

You bitch! Take that back about her natural disaster of a nose, has your nose ever been made up to Oscar-winning glory? That nose has been through a lot, and doesn’t deserve to be compared to Hurricane Katrina or the Asian Tsunami. No one’s nose deserves such abuse, ESPECIALLY NOT my darling Nicole’s. We can agree to disagree on her looks I suppose, but I’m disappointed you label her ‘deceptively pretty’ – if that’s the case then she’s been making a fool out of me for years, and I KNOW she wouldn’t do that, do you hear? And why put a downer on that Channel Ad? It captured my heart and a hefty sum of money from me, it was so powerful. As a result I always smell like a Goddess, so you can do one!
Let’s focus on her choice of roles for a moment. Have you seen Dogville? What a brave, terrifying performance. Haunting. Rabbit Hole? I haven’t seen it, but EVERYONE seems to have praised her for it, so you must be wrong, whatever you say. And let’s not brush aside Moulin Rouge as simply ‘a hit’ – my darling was ravishing, beautiful, glorious (as she USUALLY is) and I must have her acknowledged!

Carlotta:

Jeez, get a room. Clearly your choice in women is awful, but that’s fine, as I said, she’s deceptive.

See, this is exactly the thing that pisses me off – why the hell is she a ‘darling?’ She’s a freaking over-pampered icing-less cupcake made of Chanel perfume, which stinks anyway (you stink). If we’re talking about her acting roles then, okay; her role as Ada in Cold Mountain does nothing for her or for the world. Aside from the fact that Cold Mountain is as boring as a sober Kidman, her Ada is just an overbearing rasp of breath. That’s all she is, a wispy bit of breath. What’s interesting about that? Nada.

And no, we’ll never escape the subject of her nose, because it’s right there. Right there in front of us, and we can’t escape it. And neither can you. No, I haven’t seen Rabbit Hole, and neither have you, so shut up. Who is ‘everyone’? Why is their opinion IT? For all you know it could be ghastly and oh actually wait all she does is breathe. Loudly. Speaking of trying too hard, what’s with her pretending she’s this hilarious comedian? Just Go With It – she’s not funny. Moulin Rouge was funny but she wasn’t. She doesn’t have that knack, and I know I’m not alone, when was the last time you were left in side-splitting stitches at a Nicole Kidman joke? (That’s not about her).

Ray:

I shall gracefully overlook that insult about my tastes, as Nicole would. Such gutter abuse is beneath us.

She is a darling because demonstrably she is a great human being. She wasn’t having any of that Scientology crap that psycho-Cruise got stuck into, so she dumped the chump. She’s always lovely and charming in interviews, with ne’er a bad word to say about anyone (observe Carlotta!), has been a fine ambassador for the ‘country’ of Australia, to the point of starring alongside the brilliant Hugh Jackman in a film about Australia called Australia! And she doesn’t even need to be such a patriot to the Land Down Under – she was born in Hawaii, so has dual US-Australian citizenship. How selfless!

As for her performance as Ada in Cold Mountain, I am conflicted. Her accent was a bit bizarre, and she mostly did just gaze out of windows, waiting for Jude Law to return. But didn’t you just want to give her a hug? Poor thing, abandoned by her first love, alone in some dump with not a night-club or salsa bar around, and only the hideous Renée Zellweger to keep her company. Give her a break, times were pretty bleak for her on that one.

Apparently she was pretty funny in Bewitched. I mean, Will Farrell acted with her, he’s a funny guy. I don’t have any earphones so I can’t look at the clips on YouTube, but they have thousands of hits, and we all know thousands of YouTube viewers cannot be wrong. The wisdom of crowds Carlotta, you can’t beat it.

Carlotta:

At this stage I should probably point out that I’m sure she’s a lovely lady, and a wonderful mother with good morals and a nice personality yadda yadda, but she has annoyances that I just can’t forgive or overlook. I just need her to get out of the picture for a bit. Mostly I don’t need to be told by her or Hollywood that she’s this goddamn amazing actress because, frankly, she’s not. These starring Hollywood actress-type roles need to be criticised and I will be the one to criticse them because they are self-promoting and vain, in exactly the same way Beyonce dresses up as queen and depicts herself so (Oh God, the backlash I’m going to get for this – I like B, alright, back up).
If we’re looking at the same generation, then neither Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock need to play these self-aggrandizing roles, and both have more flair than Kidman anyway. Also, I have never wanted to hug Kidman when she’s sad, do you know why? Because she needs to close her mouth. Sad people don’t always have their mouth hanging open. I’m brushing the dust off my shoulder, because you know I’m right.

Ray:

I’m grateful that you should acknowledge all the yadda yadda about her being a generally good egg. And I suppose I should return the gesture by acknowledging that she CAN BE a very annoying bag. But then can’t we all? I don’t understand all this stuff about Julia and Sandra B being somehow more humble than NK, I mean Erin Brockovich, hello?

Maybe you should close your mouth and stop wearing dusty old shoulder pads. I know the eighties are in vogue these days but you’re taking it a bit too far, as you know you did with Beyonce…

Carlotta:

DUSTY SHOULDER PADS ARE ALWAYS IN! I’ll have you know that I’m not actually wearing shoulder pads, I just have very broad shoulders. So thanks for that. Okay whatevs so we all have some crap films under our belts, but let’s just remember that at least Sandy B and Julia are versatile. Kidman is not funny, end of. Yeah ooooh she’s a singer, well, apparently so is Russell Crowe – look how well that turned out. Anywho, the only time she ever made me happy was in Practical Magic, and she almost dies in it… so there you have it.

Now why don’t you go spend a quiet moment or two with a bottle of Chanel and a Youtube clip of a raspy Ada – and I’ll stop slaughtering your love life and throwing banana peels at you from across the room.

Ray:

Those are your shoulders? Really? Well, I suppose I’d better stop now, I fear for my life! Last thing – I don’t care that she’s not funny, it just shows that she’s SO charming and SO lovely, that she’s never needed to be. End of.

Carlotta:

Yuck. Sick bucket.

Ray:

Swoon.

Nicole Kidman: Babe or Bitch? LET US KNOW

By Ray Thompson and Carlotta Eden