For those still in the sway of Trailer One’s Seyfried/Hardwicke-induced trauma, here are the problems so far:

1. Four or so trees do not a forest make

The misé-en-scenes remain visually unimpressive, – the cheesy sets still akin to M. Night Shyamalan’s infliction upon mankind – The Village. The wicked woods may as well be someone’s backyard (and the cast some arbitrary bunch of interlopers who stumbled into said backyard, stole actual actors’ parts and decided to play dress-up. (The presumptuous addition of Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula lead, Gary Oldman, is pure heresy).

2. It looks like Amanda Seyfriend lives

There has yet to be a reference to Little Red being devoured by the wolf – sadly. But, it appears that there is at least one point in the otherwise cliché-ridden mess, where Amanda Seyfried is restrained and muzzled by a mask. Apart from the obvious reasons, this scene is particularly joyous because it brings to mind a Seyfried lookalike’s final scene in Hostel II, where Bijou Phillips received a complimentary make-over courtesy of a chainsaw and effectively ceased to exist for the remainder of the film.

Hope springs eternal.

3. R-Patztronizing, much?

The lupine beast has shockingly been revealed as “the werewolf”. Closer to the original tale as lycanthropy may be, it nevertheless retains the stench of pop-cultural exploitation; and contrary to the graphic details of classical versions, it appears that the red-hooded hussy is not the potential victim of sexual assault, but in an inverted twist of Twilightian fate, it may be the wolf, and his legacy as a revered gothic character, that gets raped.

Little Red Riding Hood may have originated as a cautionary tale warning children about the dangers of the forest, but Hardwicke’s Red Riding Hood is a cautionary tale against all films associated with the Twilight plague.

The second trailer leaves little doubt that the film’s target audience is a pre-pubescent demographic, with limited comprehension and no appreciation of the allegorical richness and social commentary inherent in the tale, but conspicuously absent in the film.

The 2 minute and 27 second ordeal concludes with a terrifying certainty: “The Wolf is coming, you’re going to get what you deserve”, and if you voluntarily expose yourself to the blasphemy that is this film, it’s certain that you’ll get exactly what you deserve, too.
You’ve been warned.
Twice.