The Best Horror Films That Have Never and Will Never Exist
Well, it’s almost that time of year again. When the ghosts of the restless dead take flight from their graves: ripping material off the bottom of young ladies’ dresses and imbuing children with a dread hunger for sugar. In accordance with tradition, we’ve set up the innocence-activated landmines outside the door of BFF Towers and am preparing to settle down with some of our favourite Hallowe’en treats. Except, in a twist no-one saw coming, it turns out the films were dead all along.
Seriously, though, we’re just making these up.
Jamie Lee Curtis plays Mary, a young woman who has to go in to the hospital one day for a blood transfusion. Unfortunately, it turns out that the blood the doctors injected her with actually came from a murderer!
Now she has to live on the edge, as if she breaks her skin – even a little – her blood will kill someone. Horribly. Cut her leg shaving? Her blood breaks out and strangles her neighbor! Accident with the scissors? It eats her cat! Papercut? Oh, no! Her blood’s got a gun!
Can she find a way to stop her murderous haemo-rage, or will it take her over completely?
It’s time for some Ar-terror-ial bleeding!
HUSBAND: Mary, darling, I made you some soup.
MARY: Thanks, it looks delicious.
HUSBAND: Watch out, that spoon is sharp!
BLOOD: Kills everyone at the dinner party
Based on the best-selling book by Stephen King.
It’s a lovely day in Hootdale, Pennsylvania, as the townsfolk gather to celebrate their annual Field Mouse Appreciation Festival. But a shadow falls across proceedings: a giant killer owl shaped shadow… cast by a giant killer owl!
Now the owl is killing everybody, and the denizens of Hootdale need to gather together and be not killed. Fast. Traps, tricks and all-out assaults whittle down their numbers before the final stand. But how can you stop a killer who lives… in a barn!
Starring Kurt Russell and Ron Perlman
Elephants never forget, but owls never forgive.
PREACHER: Don’t worry, boys, this’ll get him. He’ll take the bait and we’ll be eating fried Owl for dinner.
SMALL CHILD: How do we know he won’t see us?
PREACHER: Well, we’re hiding behind where it has to come from.
SCIENTIST: (Running up from where he was ambushed earlier) No, you fools! Owls can turn their heads all the way around!
Owl’s hoot is heard
PREACHER: We’re going to need a bigger vole.
Not to be confused with the bathroom thriller Killer Towel
It’s wedding day for Tommy and Natasha, and everybody’s happy. Except when they get the wedding photos developed, they discover the terrifying truth: they all have Hitler’s moustache! Soon it’s not merely manifesting on photographs, but in home videos and even on the internet.
Now it’s a race against time for Tommy to find a way to stop the ghost of Hitler’s moustache. Can he grow a handlebar of his own? He must, for only then can he summon the spirit of his great-grandfather’s full muttonchops for a epic phantom-follicle showdown the likes of which has never been seen before!
They killed his body: they didn’t kill his facial hair.
Time to keep a stiff upper lip.
Tommy searches through a pile of old photographs, as Natasha looks on in concern
TOMMY: I think I’ve figured it out, Nat. Hitler killed himself in his bunker, but no-one knows what happened to his moustache. I think my great-grandfather may have been the one to shave it off. Under this very house.
NATASHA: Tommy, I’m your wife, please stop this. You’re becoming obsessed and it’s scaring me.
TOMMY: But look! These photographs go right back to the 15th century, and they all have the same moustache! Right back to his earliest ancestor… Jebediah Hitler.
Remembered for the massively unsuccessful merchandising attempts that attempted to replicate the popularity of the ‘V’ mask with its own variation on the theme.
The year is the 16th Century. The place is Salem, Massachusetts. The activity is witch-hunting. Witchfinder General Vincent von Dracula arrives to root out the black magic, but he has a terrible secret. He begins tracking down the notorious sorceress Lucretia Witchington, but in a moment of panic, she looks at him with her magic eyes and reveals the truth: Vincent von Dracula… is a vampire!
Now it’s a game of cat-and-mouse between Vincent and Lucretia, as they struggle to gather evidence on each other whilst maintaining their own identities. Who will reveal the other first? Who will win, the Vampire of the Inquisition, or the Witch with her horde of zombies?
And how will they both survive the onslaught of Dr. Frankenstein and his army of phantom wolfmen?
Starring Gary Oldman as Vincent von Dracula and Lucretia Witchington, and Timothy Spall as Dr Frankenstein.
The Stakes are high. And on fire.
LUCRETIA: I’m sure I’ve heard the name Dracula before.
VINCENT: No, you’re thinking of the Count, who is not me. I’m not even able to count.
LUCRETIA: Don’t you need it in a job like yours?
VINCENT: The only number I need to know is “Witch”.
LUCRETIA: That’s not a number. Maybe my zombie could give you some maths lessons.
VINCENT: Argh! Keep that zombie away from me!
LUCRETIA: What’s wrong, Witchfinder? Is my zombie too… garlicky for you?
VINCENT: Crazy bitch, I bet you think the sun shines out of your arse.
LUCRETIA: I wish it did, because then I could kill you. With my arse.
DR FRANKENSTEIN: Attack, my phantom wolfmen!
VINCENT & LUCRETIA: Shit.
The role of Lucretia Witchington was originally offered to Uma Thurman, but Gary Oldman ate her on set and absorbed her power.