Kevin Smith’s eagerly anticipated swansong Hit Somebody is to be given the Deathly Hallows treatment and split into two films after the story reportedly grew too big for any one film to contain it. A bit like when Kevin’s waist grew too big for any one plane seat. (Clumsy link, yeah, but it’s the most pointless ‘news’ we’ve ever run and it deserves credit.)

The film stars Nicholas Braun (who also plays the lead in Smith’s forthcoming horror film Red State) as a small-time ice hockey player in Canada who discovers a talent for beating seven types of snow out of his opponents on the pitch/field/pond/whatever on earth one plays ice hockey on. Other lead roles have been dished out to Red State alumni including Michael Parks, Kyle Gallner and John Goodman and Oscar-winner Melissa Leo, all of whom will presumably be thrilled at the abrupt expansion of their paycheques (for more information, learn about the Salkind clause like we did). Let’s just hope he lets us come and see this one…