Things are, we think you’ll agree, getting pretty bad when you can’t manage a stay at the Betty Ford clinic without getting in trouble with the police. But if anyone can do it, LiLo can!

The troubled actress is being investigated by police following an allegation of assault lodged by a “chemical dependency technician” at the exclusive treatment centre.

Lohan claims Dawn Holland spoke sharply to her when she arrived back at the clinic ten minutes after curfew, and that she only pushed Holland away in self-defence – Holland, meanwhile, alleges that she has been forced to take sick leave after sustaining a severe sprain in a struggle with the actress, who reportedly stank of alcohol. If a judge decides that the incident constitutes a violation of LiLo’s parole for the ongoing DUI case which sent her to rehab in the first place, it could send her back to jai…

D’you know what? We just don’t care. Whether the culprit was LiLo or an aggressive pseudo-nurse and regardless of the murky dungeons to which she could be sent, we’ve been overcome by a powerful fit of Lohan Compassion Fatigue. Let us not forget that this is the girl who has successfully wriggled out of two jail sentences in the past three years, riding the dregs of her celebrity status like a pitifully abused horse. A horse made out of crack. And largely shit films. Lohan can attack the Statue of Liberty with a knuckleduster made from her own nipples if she wants, it’ll still make better viewing than Herbie: Fully Loaded.