Alien Vs Ninja

The Iga Ninja live a life of constant trial and hardship. Rival clans threaten their otherwise peaceful way of life (because behind the swords, throwing stars, knives and neck breaking, Ninja are an otherwise peaceful bunch. Apparently). The tale begins with another standard deadly mission against one such clan, facing hordes of inferior Ninja pawns and turning them into piles of chopped limbs. But before our ramshackle band of heroes make it back to their village, they see a great fireball fall from the heavens and crash nearby. What’s going down in Ninja town?

The group soon realise they’re in mortal danger; that was no casual asteroid, but rather the arrival of a group of extra-terrestrial life forms, intent on unleashing pain and suffering on all Ninja-kind. Can their Ninja-skills see them survive this deadly invasion, or are these creatures more than a match for pointy blades and silly black body armour? Who will win the legendary face off that is Alien Vs Ninja? YOU KNOW YOU WANT THIS IN YOUR LIFE.

Firstly, we have to clarify that Alien Vs Ninja is very aware of itself, in the same way that Snakes on a Plane and Piranha 3D knew what they were doing. It bills itself as a Martial Arts-Sci-Fi Comedy (did you ever think you’d see that mash up?), with an aim to provide as much gore, insane action choreography and fun as can possibly squeezed into 80 minutes of Ninja-based swordplay.

To give you some sort of an insight into what you can expect from a Ninja-Sci-Fi epic, here are a few of my favourite lines from Alien Vs Ninja:

“Bring it on. All at once” Context – One Ninja to 6 or so others. Giggady.

“Ninja are inseparable from death. We’re living on the edge.” Context – One bad-ass Ninja to his friends.

“Just try picking them up.” Context – Ninja to the Alien whose hands/claws she’s just cut off. Bond couldn’t have done better.

Gems, I hope you’ll agree.

That’s not to say that Alien Vs Ninja isn’t without its flaws. The soundtrack is almost non-stop, lending a bizarre arcade-game-like quality to every scene – including those in which no Ninja fighting goes down. To say it “gets on your wick” is an understatement. Whilst the Ninja costumes clearly gained the majority of the budget, chances are they were running particularly low on funds when it came to the Alien suits. Imagine, if you will, the H. R. Giger Alien – standing upright like a human, with a deadly tale and strange, eyeless skull. Now, say that creature had a confused intimate relationship with a Dolphin. We’re not done yet. Now force the offspring to have a union with a Dinosaur, and that’s what this Alien looks like. Not scary, but just plain hilarious.

Any money that was left went on aesthetic limbs and buckets of gore, as no 5 minutes pass Alien Vs Ninja without someone getting torn in two, or their head stomped on, or their arm hacked off. It’s like living in the mind of a 12 year-old Quentin Tarantino.

Alien Vs Ninja isn’t for everyone. It’s awfully, offensively bad. But for an evening in with some cold beers and close friends (they aren’t the same thing) who enjoy a “good laugh” , then Alien Vs Ninja is probably the best film you could hope to watch.

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