After the terrifying success of The Da Vinci Code in 2006, it was only a matter of time before the Dan Brown cow was milked for all it was worth.

Though book-wise Angels and Demons is the prequel to mind-crampingly implausible Da Vinci Code, in order to keep things nice and simple (in a mind-crampingly implausible way) the producers decided to treat Angels and Demons as the next episode in Brown’s saga.

Those who enjoyed the first film won’t be disappointed with the sequel. Angels and Demons is two and a half hours of Stuff Happening. Set over one day, Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) and conveniently-beautiful scientist Vittoria Vetra (Ayelet Zurer) have but hours to follow ancient symbols, crack codes and stop the bad shit from goin’ down. But where? And why? And who? And how much is Hanks getting paid for this?

Much like it’s predecessor, the premise is utterly ridiculous. Potato faced Prof. Langdon discovers evidence of an ancient secret brotherhood known as the Illuminati, the most powerful underground organization since moles figured out they could dig. The bad news is that they bloody hate the church. They hate them in a blowing them up type way. When Langdon learns that the clock is ticking on an unstoppable Illuminati time bomb he jets to Rome and romps around sealed crypts, dangerous catacombs and deserted cathedrals to save the church and wafers and such. Thankfully he doesn’t need clearance for any of it, being Tom Hanks and all.

The plot moves at the speed of light; clues are easily found, easily solved and ancient helpers happily direct the way.You can’t help but wonder if you’re watching an extended episode of The Crystal Maze. If you can take any logical thought out of your mind (and helpfully we very much posess this skill), this is an entertaining, if rather bewildering way to spend two hours. However we suspect that if you know anything, anything at all about art, history or how alarms works you should stay clear. You may stay angry for some time.

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