So, Nic Cage stars as Diamonds McMoneybucks; a man so ridiculously wealthy that he can wear tinted glasses without a hint of irony, hand-cuffing himself to all the expensive things he owns without a care in the world. He charges around his spacious glass and mahogany palace saying words like “drugs” and “mistresses” and “it’s all on the line” into his iPhone 4, occasionally checking his Secret Vault for The Stuff This Film Will Obviously Be Centred On.

It’s quite important that we like him, is the only thing, so helpfully he’s only doing all this to take care of his wife Nicole Kidman and daughter Avery. We know that because quite early on he uses the phrase “I’m only doing all of this to take care of you and our daughter Avery”. But delicate little water-colour Nicole doesn’t care about the money. All she cares about is that she’s going to have to spend another evening alone, drunk off her ass as Nic goes Back To The Office to talk drugs and mistresses and things being on the line with some diamond experts. And as for teen Avery? She’s only sneaking out of the house to go to a party, isn’t she? What a mess. Or is it?

Our definition of the word ‘mess’ gets radically redefined when Fucking Robbers Oh Crap Its Robbers turn up, bypass any security whatsoever (shame he can’t afford a proper system… oh wait -) and start kicking the shit out of our main man. Nicole Kidman, prone to being in films where she can have a good cry, has a really good cry and says the words “For God’s sake Kyle, just open the safe!” quite a lot. And to be fair to him, he doesn’t. As any dedicated family man wouldn’t.

It soon transpires that these bad guys have politics of their own (one’s in love with Nicole Kidman, one’s his brother and he’s lost some drugs, one’s one of those pole-dancers we’ve all heard a lot about, there’s a syringe involved somewhere, something about a kidney) but seeing as all of that stuff takes time to write into dialogue in any naturalistic way, we’re treated to rather a lot of flashbacks that hurriedly explain all the different relationships so we don’t have to figure them out. Which is a relief, really, because mainly what we want to concentrate on is how many times Nic can shout “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU F*CKBAIT” at people threatening to murder his entire family.

Anyway, what we’re supposed to feel is that we’re in a situation where THE POWER CAN SHIFT at any moment due to complex and ever-changing loyalties. What we actually feel is the desire to rob Nic Cage and Nicole Kidman properly, just to show everyone it doesn’t have to be such an utter shambles. The increasingly ridiculous twists and turns (why do people continue to trust drug barons, eh?) swoop by with all the exquisite grace of a wind-swept Kerplunk tournament, and as the climax approaches (and by climax we mean, last stupid thing to happen before the credits) you can’t help but feel with rising despair that the only real way for Trespass to absolve itself of its sins is for everything to suddenly, inexplicably be on fire. But that couldn’t happen, right? Realistically? Nic? Stop skulking into the cavernous excesses of your own face, put down that Ominous Lighter and – oh for f*cks sake.

A film that makes The Wicker Man look like the actual The Wicker Man, Trespass is an embarrassment even by the Nic Cagiest of standards. God I miss the simple days of Drive Angry 3D.

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