How often have you been left cringing by a truly toe-curlingly, brain-numbingly, mind-bendingly offensive accent? At least 10 times so say we. Whether you’re Scottish, Irish, Welsh or English, prepare for a nostalgia-fest of infuriating proportions.

Guy Ritchie is in evermore East End gangster mood this Christmas as he provides a festive comedy thriller with all the trimmings. After having his marriage hand stolen in the vicinity of Stepney in the last couple of years Ritchie really goes to work in his new project. A talented ensemble cast make this movie more than worth a watch.

Imagine Christmas without snow, without decorations, presents, Santa Claus, and even baby Jesus…

Director Carl Turkeybaster was faced with an almost impossible task when Werner Bros’ approached him to direct Rudolf: First Snow – but the man went above and beyond in creating this truly incredible cinematic masterpiece.

With a few exceptions, taglines are used to sell movies that nobody wants to buy. Noticing that Hollywood have assigned some classic taglines to the wrong movies, we crack out the red pen and make with the corrections.

Taking up direction duty for first time since his impressive debut, Gone Baby Gone, Ben Affleck makes his second contribution to the ever expanding sub-genre of Boston crime films. Giving a romantic charm to a story of master criminal versus determined cop that Michael Mann would be proud of, it follows the plight of bank-robber Doug MacRay. Desperate to get out, but hopelessly locked in, will Doug get the girl like Will Hunting, or bite the dust like John Dillinger? Most importantly, will he ever get to leave The Town?

Superhero films are big, big, BIG business, and the last decade’s worth of cinema has seen so many unitards and tooled leather boots I’m surprised it hasn’t run off to join the chorus line of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. The days of the latest capering crusader being consigned to the 80s bargain bin alongside Surf Nazis Must Die! and Over-sexed Rugsuckers from Mars (both real titles – check them out or die unfulfilled) are long over.

Following the news that Natalie Portman is producing and starring in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Seth Grahame-Smith’s adaptation of Jane Austen’s classic, we now have news of a director for the film.

It’s 2018: Battle-weary members of the human resistance are rising up against killer machines, desperate to claw back the arid, devestated nuclear wasteland that used to be (fanfare!) the U.S. of goddamn A. Why on earth they’re actually that bothered about fighting for some half-yard of radioactive cinder is anyone’s guess. Everyone’ll be living on Jupiter in 2018.

It’s safe to say Edward Cullen wouldn’t last five baleful minutes in the vampire-dystopia that is Stake Land. A stylish road-horror with political bite as well as, like, loads of actual bites, you can forgive it its foibles for its refreshingly un-perfumed approach to those pesky bloodsucking types.