Have you ever thought, we mean really thought, about Sean Penn? We have. And lo and behold one of us thinks he’s of the Parker fountain Penn of Hollywood, and the other thinks he’s just the biro that the dog has chewed and oh god someone call the vet, it’s choking.

40 years have passed since Gene Wilder made possibly the best entrance in any film ever, limping out of those factory doors to stunned silence before roly-polying his way into cinematic history. So what if Roald Dahl didn’t like it? So what if Tim Burton’s version was more faithful to the original text? Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory is still an unrivalled masterpiece, and a glorious example of the musical genre. I’ll drink to that…

When the last trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 landed online the other week, I was temporarily lost in face-devouring wow. While I’m sure the finished film will live up to my own TOWERING expectations, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time I was enchanted by a trailer only to be left disappointingly underwhelmed by the finished film itself.

Take In Bruges, add a dash of Hot Fuzz and you have The Guard, a sharply observed comedy set in Ireland, it may not please the easily offended but there are enough laughs here to ensure that Brendan Gleeson’s star turn is a must-see.

Coming-of-age sex thriller sci-fi comedy horror [insert genres here ad infinitum] Kaboom is a chronic mess, taking the seeds of two or three respectable films and frantically ramming them together until ninety minutes of contrived teenagery garbage squirt out the middle and leave a stain on your cardy. Avoid.

Cars 2, arguably the undoing of decades of hard, sweat inducing work from the wonder that is Pixar. What were they thinking?

What do you get if you cross a short story from the 17th century, that girl from Babylon AD, and every camera-friendly horse in France? The correct answer could either be ‘The Princess of Montpensier‘, ‘139 minutes you’ll never get back’ or, if you’re actually quite into horses, ‘the best thing ever’. We’re not that into horses, tbh.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch a Grand Theft Auto game done with real actors and a tiny effects budget? Then look no further! Blood, Breasts and Stock Characters in Africa: or, Viva Riva!, the first full-length feature film to make it from the Congo to the US, could scarcely be a more crude and depressing reflection of the worst and most pointless aspects of Hollywood. For shame.

We still think Kilowog is an unacceptably racist name for a massive alien.

Woody Allen opened this year’s Cannes Film Festival with a tale of nostalgic wish fulfillment that sees Owen Wilson’s struggling writer transported to 1920s Paris in order to ‘find himself’. With Gertrude Stein, Pablo Picasso and rhinoceros enthusiast Salvador Dali along for the ride, Midnight in Paris is a charmingly unhurried fable which reminds you to be careful what you wish for.