DON’T DO A CHRISTIAN BALE, Jase, nobody needs that.

Thor is back, and the God of Thunder’s got a new gang. Lady Sif and the Warriors Three are still about, but (courtesy of the increasingly confused Marvel Cinematic Universe) Thor’s now attended by some new celestial hangers-on. Say hello to the Muse of Stilted Dialogue, the Sibyl of Utterly Predictable Action Sequences and the Demon of Irrelevant Villains, coming together to make a film so grotesquely misshapen that it’ll actually make you look forward to all the plagiarised bits. Sort of.

Kyrie eleison, Joss eleison, kyrie eleison…

Full of Northerners, then. Goody.

The Dark World just got brighter.

Boo. Also, HAMMER!

All we need now is to hear that he’s the new Bond…

TAYLOR! + HAMMER! = TAYMER! That’s a thought, why not get Julie Taymor to do it?