Psychotic pie-addict Rush Limbaugh to be played by John Cusack. Start hitting the buffet, John. It’s time to jowl up.

Going to the cinema can be a frustrating experience – not least because of the disproportionate number of mouth-breathers championing drivel, but also thanks to the shocking lack of choice on offer. How many times must my eyes be popped? Since when was randomness any substitute for jokes? Will Spider-Man ever get past the third instalment? I explore the six fads currently crippling cinema.

First they released Alvin and the Chipmunks, a horrifically high-pitched cacophony of holiday season ‘fun’. With kids flocking to the cinemas in droves, the inevitable follow-up, painfully labelled ‘The Squeakquel’ materialised in late 2009. Following the DVD marketing mantra of “everyone loves a film series packaged in the same box with loads of extras” to the letter, the unavoidable ‘Double Trouble’ has surfaced, breaking the record for “the biggest piece of crap to ever be released in a two-disc box set”.

You don’t need us to tell you this was never going to be a good film. The title alone is enough to not only toy with your upchuck reflex, but also cause you to file this one away to the ‘only if I’m stuck on babysitting duty’ box. Still, we live in an age where kids’ films are fast becoming an art form all their own – from Up to Where the Wild Things Are, this year’s family offerings have allowed us all to shamelessly enjoy ourselves at the cinema with the under 10s. So perhaps some out there among you are curious whether The Squeakquel could rise to the occasion?

It’s sad when your realise something you used to find endless entertainment in as a child is no longer appealing to you. Much like discovering we would rather play drinking games than jump rope, it seems the time has come where we may have outgrown the Chipmunks. Either that or this modern-day retelling of the rodents’ rise to fame in the music industry was, well, crap.

You don’t need us to tell you this was never going to be a good film, but in the age of Up and Where the Wild Things Are, there’s always a chance kids’ movies might surprise you. No surprises here unfortunately – this sequel to the equally inane Alvin and the Chipmunks sees our high-pitched protagonists dealing with high school and a rival rodent-based pop group with typical stupidity and slapstick humour. The plot is formulaic, there’s no acting to speak of and there’s enough cutesyness to test even the strongest stomach.

Hi! I’m not Troy McClure. You might remember me from other such features as “Top 10 Aimless 80’s Nostalgia Trips” and “Waffling On About Something Irrelevant That Causes Me Disproportionate Anger”. Now, let’s stroll together down a list of the great Mr. McClure’s oft-name dropped movies, and see which ones should be jammed into production like a fish in a sock.

Jason Lee, star of debatably unfunny TV comedy My Name is Earl and not-so-debatably unfunny Alvin and the Chipmunks, has signed on to make his directorial debut next year.