To celebrate the brief few days between the release of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and its inevitable box office flop, we thought we’d channel the very muckiest of Captain Jack Sparrow’s rum-guzzling habits and settle you down for an evening of alcoholism on the high seas. Avast, where be that Babycham?

We all have our foibles. Some of us chew with our mouths open, for instance. But we can work it out – just CLOSE IT! But there are some of us who act on their weaknesses. Like the two fellas who had a yearning to be near Johnny Depp so much that they attempted to break into his trailer. In full pirate get-up.

Long ago, no one wanted pirates on land. All they did was cause trouble, stealing your silver and seducing your girlfriend. So who, in the name of the Jolly Roger, allowed a pirate into a primary school? Captain Jack Sparrow can claim he was invited all he wants, but I know his plan. To entice all the school children into joining his pirate crew so that he can become the greatest plunderer on the Seven Seas.

Hyper Japan, a three day “pop culture” event made its way to The Old Truman Brewery, Brick Lane last weekend. Imagine all things Japanese under a London roof; food, art, gaming, fashion and technology (I saw my first 3D telly!) and you’ve got something a bit like it. But I had no time for Japanese tomfoolery, I was there with a purpose. So I tore myself away from the manga illustrators and Japanese fashion show, slapped on my film hat and went to be wowed (and a bit weirded out) by the joy and absudity of anime.

Johnny Depp is in London to film part of the next in the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides has had its budget cut! Pirates 4 will be made for a completely pathetic $200 million, rather than the juicy $300 million the last film, At World’s End, had to play with. Disney’s new chairman Rich Ross “wants to be mean and lean and cost effective,” according to Pirates 4 producer Jerry Bruckheimer. Many scenes, including an action sequence set on a frozen river Thames, have been cut as a result. But Bruckheimer says of the removed scenes: “the audience will never miss them”.

Confirmation of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides came yesterday, announced (oddly enough) by the Governor of Hawaii. The Pirates team plan to film on the Hawaiian islands of Kaua’i and O’ahu and so it was the proud job of the local government to tell the world of their upcoming visitors.

“It is better,” said the essayist and moralist Joseph Joubert, “to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.” In the spirit of such a great man that we just found out about on Wikipedia, we present you, gentle reader, with the first in what may well be a series of debates on the state of modern film.