Ugh.

Why aren’t films of video games ever good? Because the boys in the back room are adapting the wrong goshdarned games, that’s why! We’ve consumed eighty-six thousand Doritos and worn out nine pairs of tracksuit bottoms doing the research for this list: the definitive top 10 games that must be brought to the silver screen.

When a psychopathic killer starts targeting police officers, Jason Statham’s Detective Sergeant Tom Brant is sent in to take him down. Bish bong pow! Jason Statham kicks arse!

Two households, both alike in dignity/ In fair Verona, where we lay our scene/ From ancient grudge break to new mutiny/ Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean/ From forth the fatal loins of these two foes/ A pair of star-cross’d GNOMES IT’S ALL BLOODY GNOMES AAARGH.

The Mechanic is a remake of the slovenly ‘72 film starring Charles Bronson as a conflicted assassin. Substitute the unflappable Bronson for a wooden Jason Statham, add a Louisiana setting and blues soundtrack, and you have a Statham vehicle whose only redeeming value is the wonderful Ben Foster.

There hasn’t been a really, really good film about Jesus for ages, has there? Actually, there hasn’t ever been one – they’re either unpleasantly graphic (The Passion of the Christ) or cringeworthily obsequious (everything else). We can’t be doing with this dearth of watchable Jesus biopics, so we’ve suggested a few leading men (and ladies) who might be up to the job…

Ten years of film all neatly rolled into one awesomely epic list of greats! Feast your eyes on the Top 30 Films of the Decade.

Someone needs to stop Sly Stallone before he wastes any more celluloid. An overblown, overacted mess, watching The Expendables is like liquidising all your Rambo DVDs, pouring the resulting testosterone-laden gloop into a shotgun with a generous slug of protein shake, and shooting yourself in the face.

Sylvester Stallone’s ridiculous film The Expendables has managed a second week at the top of the US box office charts.

“We are the shadow, the smoke in your eyes, the ghosts that hide in the night…”. If anyone can think of a more ridiculous line to describe Sly Stallone and his motley crew of roided-up ex-wrestlers and 80s action heroes in 2010 action movie The Expendables, we’d like to hear it.