It’s 2005, and Operation Red Wings have been tasked with tracking down and eliminating Taliban leader Ahmad Shah. Navy Lieutenant Michael P. Murphy (Taylor Kitsch), Navy Hospital Corpsman Second Class Marcus Luttrell (Mark Wahlberg), Petty Officer Second Class Matthew G. Axelson (Ben Foster) and Petty Officer Second Class Danny P. Dietz (Emile Hirsch) are picked…

THINK ON YOUR SINS, Twilight fans.

What exactly did you expect from an action epic based on a tea-time board game, starring John Carter, Rihanna, Liam Neeson in his sternest nose and an unexpected boat-steering pensioner whose only line is “looks like someone’s gonna BITE THE DONKEY”? Is this the greatest film ever made? Is it so dreadful I can’t see colours anymore? Why do the aliens love horses? Why is it OK to ask whether a man with prosthetic limbs might be “ONE OF THEM CYBORGS?” Is that blood running down your ears, or can tears come out of there now? Battleship has changed everything.

Someone told her Chris Brown was round the corner.

EXPLODEY EXPLODEY EXPLODEY RIHANNA EXPLODEY

You’ve seen the lists of forthcoming blockbusters, superheroes and potential Oscar-fodder, but what are the 2012 films you haven’t heard of and have no interest in seeing? H Anthony Hildebrand has all the inessential (and made up) details.

Liam Neeson is to star in the ridiculous big-screen adaptation of ancient board game Battleships. For Christ’s sake.

Following hot on the heels of the news that family favourite Monopoly is to be immortalised in movie form, we can report that Taylor Kitsch has been recruited to star in the film version of the Hasbro board game Battleship. Universal are the ones responsible for the the Battleship movie (as it is referred to in the bestforfilm towers), with Peter Berg manning the directorial helm.