Foul-mouthed and gleefully violent, Perrier’s Bounty is an edgy black comedy about one man’s turbulent journey through the lawless streets of Dublin. Scripted by award-winning playwright Mark O’Rowe (Intermission, Boy A) and punctuated with scenes of torture, Ian Fitzgibbon’s film is not for the faint of heart or easily offended. Animal lovers will certainly have to avert their eyes when a pair of beloved dogs suffer an inglorious fate at the hands of the eponymous gangster.

So we’re off to watch Kick Ass on Monday, and we reckon it’s only fair that we give you the low-down on what the critics are saying about it so far, before we give our own (infinitely superior) opinion.

If at first you don’t succeed, fail miserably again. Three years after the crass and homophobic comedy Wild Hogs, Robin Williams and John Travolta reunite with director Walt Becker for this chaotic road movie that proves parenting is a lot harder than it looks. So, it would seem, is writing and directing a film that retains a single laugh, because Old Dogs is 88 tortuous minutes of limp gags missing easy targets.

Jen wasn’t the only one who felt strapped to her seat whilst experiencing The Bounty Hunter. Joyless, clichéd and hackneyed, we never want to watch Gerard Butler in a rom-com again. Do you hear us Gerard? Do you?

The lunatics are taking over the asylum, or that’s what Martin Scorsese’s impeccably crafted psychological thriller would have us believe. But then perception and reality are completely blurred in this 1950s-set mystery, adapted by screenwriter Laeta Kalogridis from the best-seller by Dennis Lehane (Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone). But sadly, for all its style, Shutter Island is a largely predictable and pedestrian yarn, elevated by a superior cast.

In American Football – the opening credits of The Blind Side inform us – the highest paid player is the Quarterback. The second highest player is the Left Tackle – as the first bill you pay might be the mortgage, but the second is always the insurance. Now for anyone not American (a spectrum that very much includes us), this poignant opening message is kind of lost. But what emerges in the preceding film is an uplifting true story that emphasizes a message of the importance of protection, loyalty and trust. Which we’re pretty sure is what the Left Tackle thing is about. Yeah, we totally speak Football!
Kick-down, touch-up and homoerotic falling down!

I think it’s fair to say that if Toy Story 3 isn’t absolutely brilliant the world will rise up into anarchy. No pressure guys, but seriously, the future of Hollywood depends on you. Helpfully, initial responses seem to be overwhelmingly positive (but we’re still trying not to get too excited after being burned by Alice).

Love blossoms when a father least expects in Neil Jordan’s modern day fairytale. Blessed with pretty shots of the Irish coast and a close-knit fishing village where everyone pokes their noses into their neighbours’ business, Ondine is a picture postcard to the Emerald Isle. British audiences who struggle with a thick accent would probably benefit from subtitles when characters chew the fat, so some of Jordan’s script is lost to the Atlantic breeze. In truth, it’s not a great loss because for all the blah blahrney, we learn very little about the protagonists or their passions, and the central romance is rather wet – like the actors after a tumble in the briny.

Director Atom Egoyan probes the destructive power of obsession in this English language adaptation of Anne Fontaine’s 2003 film, Nathalie. Shot on location in wintry Toronto, which is almost as cold as some of the characters’ emotions, Chloe charts the journey of sexual re-discovery of a despairing wife whose marriage has been stuck in a rut for years. The method she chooses to reinvigorate her ailing relationship is unorthodox to say the least, unlocking deep-rooted desires that put not only herself but also her entire family in danger.

After hearing so much about the weird, wonderful and utterly bizarre world Tim Burton creates in Alice In Wonderland, we entered the cinema with no small amount of excitement. Alice has had the best opening week in US history, grossing $116 million and getting rave reviews for it’s gloriously inventive visuals. There’s no denying that visually, Alice is a treat. But despite the exuberant effects, the story is more than lacking.