ALRIGHT THE ARTIST IS THE BEST FILM EVER WE GET IT.

THEY’RE HERE! The nominations for the 84th Academy Awards have been released, and as we predicted The Artist has basically bagsied all the categories like a fat greedy child in a tuckshop. Standard.

Greedy.

WHERE’S OLIVIA COLMAN?

Why doesn’t someone put Ricky Gervais in a silent film?

Heard of it?

Secretly, we are all a teeny weeny bit Sedatephobic. That’s right; we fear silence. The awkward silence on a first date, the uncomfortably long pause after a joke bombs, the too-silent bedroom as you try to ‘lose yourself in the moment’, the creepy basement… it’s no good denying it. We want to fill silence. Which is why, when treating yourself to a spectacular silent film (in celebration of this week’s hottest release, The Artist), we strongly advise you drink heavily, to ease the tension…

Just in case you’ve not heard of them

But where’s Drive?

Not so melancholy now, eh Lars? Eh? Oh, apparently he still is.