What Not To Watch… When Sick
This is kind of an awkward question, but you’ve basically left us with no choice.
Was your New Year’s resolution to walk around with rotting carp in your pockets? Because that’s what it seems like. Look at you. You’re a mess. You’re pale, you smell weird, you’re coughing and spluttering all over the place, and honestly, you smell really weird. Maybe it’s best you go on home for the day. Grab some Lemsip, maybe a priest and have a little lie-down quite far away from anything alive, OK?
Don’t be embarrassed. We understand. It’s that time of year, eh? Good old winter, ensuring that anyone optimistic about the prospect of a brand spanking new year is thoroughly taken down a peg or sixteen:
Cheerful soul: “Ahhh the fresh morning air! The nipping breeze! The potential of the shimmering new day!”
Winter: “Have you noticed it’s pretty cold though?”
Cheerful soul: “Ahahaha! Yes it is! And you know what, I don’t mind! It’s just so bracing!”
Winter: “Yeah… yeah. Great. But have you noticed all the snow? It’s really screwing up all public transport and stuff…”
Cheerful soul: “Ahahaha! Yes! But you know, it keeps one on one’s toes, and actually, the views are worth it!”
Winter: “OK. But surely you’re annoyed that-”
Cheerful soul: (sings) “Oh what a beautiful morn-”
Winter: “Alright, you know what? You’re ill.”
Cheerful soul: “My face! My beautiful f-arghh” *sounds of vomiting into hand-made mittens*
Flu, the shakes, the shivers, the shimmies, we’re all going through it. So maybe stay at home, stick on a DVD and doze yourself to freedom. But beware. In such sensitive fever-based situations, there are films to be avoided. And we’ve got the shortlist right here.
The ‘Laugh Yourself Better’ Film
Case in Point: Patch Adams
Now when you were ill as a kid, what was the thing that made you feel better? Was it mum giving you lots of cups of tea and the nice-tasting Calpol (even though you were technically old enough to have the rubbish-tasting Calpol)? Or was it Dad’s ‘comedy’ routine of pretending he could walk down some stairs behind the sofa? I think we all know the answer. No Dad, turning it into a canoe doesn’t make it funnier. Now imagine that, but for two and a half hours, and it’s not your dad, it’s Mrs. Doubtfire and she’s forgotten her wig. If anything, you’ll feel worse.
The ‘They’re Out To Get You’ Film
Case in Point: One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Oh God, they weren’t crazy when they went into the hospital, but… What is this ‘institution’ they’re in anyway? What are these so called ‘drugs’? Oh my God, look at the nurses’ faces! They’re filled with evil! They’re pure evil wearing tiny hats! Who can save the innocent in this world of pain? Help me Jack Nicholson! You’re the only one I trust! Screw you “ibuprofen”, if that is your real name, from now on I’m only eating Kitkats and lovely berries from the tree outside. The truth shall set me free!
The ‘Grass Is Always Greener’ Film
Case in Point: Fight Club
When Edward Norton feels ill, he ends up starting an underground military operation with Brad Pitt, taking down The Man and dancing the under-cover-conga with Helena Bonham Carter. When we feel ill, we end up underneath all the sofa cushions in our pants, weeping uncontrollably at a strangely emotional Kingsmill advert. In what kind of a world is that fair? You’re already feeling sorry for yourself, you don’t need an illness inferiority complex on top of everything else.
The ‘Sure it Looks Like a Bite…’ Film
Case In Point: Lost In Space
So Gary Oldman starts off with a tiny wee freckle. An almost friendly looking bite-ette, a charming little mole that no-one in their right mind would ever worry about. And frankly there’s a lot going on, what with Matt LeBlanc smelling the fart acting without a trace of irony and Heather Graham licking her lips so often. One second you’re plotting the downfall of Will Robinson without a care in the world, and the next you’ve turned into massive machine-spider beast without so much as a ‘does my forehead feel warm to you?’ Just got a cough you say? Yes. Well we’ll see, won’t we?
The ‘This Only Makes Me Stronger’ Film
Case in Point: A Beautiful Mind
You should be ashamed of yourself. You get a cough and start to panic. You sneeze twice and you call an ambulance. It’s embarrassing. Just take a look at Russell Crowe – not only is he suffering from having people that don’t exist all up in his business, he suffers from having people that don’t exist giving him loads of bloody work to do. And if he doesn’t do it, people that don’t exist will murder him. Nightmare. There’s no union for that, is there? Does his put his pyjamas on and watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit over and over again? No. He wins a Nobel Prize for ‘Being All Awesome At Maths’. Have you won a Nobel Prize for that? We’re beginning to doubt you’ve won a Nobel Prize for anything. You think you’ve got problems. It’s 11.40am on a Wednesday and you’re biggest worry is which episode of Deal or No Deal is going to have the least attractive contestants. Think on my friend. Think on.